little p's birth story

i have been meaning to write this for two four seven weeks  months
i was sure i would have time, but it kept slipping away and you already got so much bigger  in this relatively short amount of time you have been here
here in our family
here on earth
pretty amazing that you didn't really exist more than seven weeks  months ago
funny how in love with someone you can be so immediately.

so before more time passes and i forget more of the story, i wanted to write it for you - my third baby.

p's birth story:
during my pregnancy with you i felt this urgency to record and remember the experience because i was sure it would be my last time. your tía emilia is a beautiful photographer and we had hoped she could take pictures before,  during and after your arrival. you just had to be born before her spring break was over and she had to head back to college.  luckily your timing was impeccable.

emilia had arrived on friday, you and i (you still in utero) went to go get her from the airport with steppy. it was the weekend of the musical and i was hoping you would wait until after the closing performance to make your entrance into the world. it was still a week before your due date, but i had a feeling you would be early, i just wasn't sure by how much. your dad was taking a class that weekend and jokingly/not jokingly asked me if i could "wait to have the baby" until after his class had finished on Sunday (also day of closing performance). i told him i would see what we could do.

we took steppy to the airport sunday afternoon while your tía did a long training run for a marathon she was preparing for. i remember calling your uncle david on the phone and telling him that this pregnancy felt so different and that my braxton hicks contractions were so much stronger than with the other two. i told him that the past two days they had gotten even stronger still and i couldn't tell if it was because of your imminent arrival or i was just overly anxious about when you would be born.

early that evening i started to be even more sure that something was happening. as i did when going into labor with your brother, i called bubby to tell her that i would probably be calling her again later that night to ask her to come over so that your dad, tía and i could go to the birth center and she could watch your older siblings. only a couple of hours later i called again and said to definitely come - not to rush because i still didn't feel that far along, but i was more sure that labor had in fact started.

your dad and i prepared m and j's lunches for the following day while tía emilia took pictures -recording those moments before the moment you came into the world. i love the collection of pictures she took. one of the most important however, that we have no record of, was our ride to the birth center.

it was late that sunday night, so no one else was on the road. your dad drove a couple miles over the speed limit when a police car pulled us over. we stopped and when i realized that it would take time for the officer to run our plates before even getting out of his car and approaching ours, i got impatient. without hesitating, i got out of the car and somewhat aggressively walked toward the police vehicle opening my winter jacket to show off my nine-month belly yelling, “i’m in labor!” the officer immediately looked up and said, “oh! you are? sorry! you can go.”  it wasn’t until later that the weight of what had transpired hit me. 

we are living in a time in which it is not safe for all people to do what i had done. and in the middle of this exciting ride to bring life into the world, i suddenly felt an enormous helplessness and also sadness. sadness for the black mothers who have lost their sons, who worry about their children's safety every day or who are unsure of their own safety as they make their own way to bringing new life into the world.  

i didn't know that you were going to be a girl and i didn't realize how much i cared. but i got to be the first one to see you when you entered the world and when someone asked "what is it?" i was the first to know and answer. and i cried. 

we named you penelope but call you pina. the p is after peggy. you will have seen her picture on the wall in my bedroom by my collection of necklaces. she was one of the most important people in my life that you never got to meet. she was an incredible person - an incredible force. i like to think that you have a little of her magic.