religious teachings

i would say that i grew up without religion
if you ask my parents, perhaps they have a different recollection.

my memory and understanding of christmas and passover and sometimes roshashana or yom kippur was not related to religion or a belief /thought system, but simply a practice of tradition. the same way my family had a tradition of going to mcdonald's on the weekends when i was young and we were poor, or talking about our day at the dinner table when we were older.

i like to think that we provide our family with religion in a similar way...which is to say, not religion, but a sense of identity through the traditions we have - many of which, perhaps, are born out of religion, but some that are not. we have more traditions now, different traditions, - friday night dinner tradition, a lighting of hannukah candles tradition, christmas in vermont tradition, a bagel store outing on the weekend tradition. 

so when my five year old started kindergarten at a mennonite school this fall, i wasn't sure what to expect. we had based our decision to send her there off of second-hand recommendations and a little bit of desperation to find a school for her after an abrupt relocation.

i know that she is being exposed to things that i would not otherwise expose her to, and that in the end, that is always a good thing - to see and learn more. we will see what she makes of it...for now i get to chuckle at the little ironic moments like when she told her father and i that jesus put her in my belly. i imagine that being the daughter of a jew and a sex educator she will develop a different version of that story, but for now, this is part of her exposure to an endless world of thought and understanding

little p's birth story

i have been meaning to write this for two four seven weeks  months
i was sure i would have time, but it kept slipping away and you already got so much bigger  in this relatively short amount of time you have been here
here in our family
here on earth
pretty amazing that you didn't really exist more than seven weeks  months ago
funny how in love with someone you can be so immediately.

so before more time passes and i forget more of the story, i wanted to write it for you - my third baby.

p's birth story:
during my pregnancy with you i felt this urgency to record and remember the experience because i was sure it would be my last time. your tía emilia is a beautiful photographer and we had hoped she could take pictures before,  during and after your arrival. you just had to be born before her spring break was over and she had to head back to college.  luckily your timing was impeccable.

emilia had arrived on friday, you and i (you still in utero) went to go get her from the airport with steppy. it was the weekend of the musical and i was hoping you would wait until after the closing performance to make your entrance into the world. it was still a week before your due date, but i had a feeling you would be early, i just wasn't sure by how much. your dad was taking a class that weekend and jokingly/not jokingly asked me if i could "wait to have the baby" until after his class had finished on Sunday (also day of closing performance). i told him i would see what we could do.

we took steppy to the airport sunday afternoon while your tía did a long training run for a marathon she was preparing for. i remember calling your uncle david on the phone and telling him that this pregnancy felt so different and that my braxton hicks contractions were so much stronger than with the other two. i told him that the past two days they had gotten even stronger still and i couldn't tell if it was because of your imminent arrival or i was just overly anxious about when you would be born.

early that evening i started to be even more sure that something was happening. as i did when going into labor with your brother, i called bubby to tell her that i would probably be calling her again later that night to ask her to come over so that your dad, tía and i could go to the birth center and she could watch your older siblings. only a couple of hours later i called again and said to definitely come - not to rush because i still didn't feel that far along, but i was more sure that labor had in fact started.

your dad and i prepared m and j's lunches for the following day while tía emilia took pictures -recording those moments before the moment you came into the world. i love the collection of pictures she took. one of the most important however, that we have no record of, was our ride to the birth center.

it was late that sunday night, so no one else was on the road. your dad drove a couple miles over the speed limit when a police car pulled us over. we stopped and when i realized that it would take time for the officer to run our plates before even getting out of his car and approaching ours, i got impatient. without hesitating, i got out of the car and somewhat aggressively walked toward the police vehicle opening my winter jacket to show off my nine-month belly yelling, “i’m in labor!” the officer immediately looked up and said, “oh! you are? sorry! you can go.”  it wasn’t until later that the weight of what had transpired hit me. 

we are living in a time in which it is not safe for all people to do what i had done. and in the middle of this exciting ride to bring life into the world, i suddenly felt an enormous helplessness and also sadness. sadness for the black mothers who have lost their sons, who worry about their children's safety every day or who are unsure of their own safety as they make their own way to bringing new life into the world.  

i didn't know that you were going to be a girl and i didn't realize how much i cared. but i got to be the first one to see you when you entered the world and when someone asked "what is it?" i was the first to know and answer. and i cried. 

we named you penelope but call you pina. the p is after peggy. you will have seen her picture on the wall in my bedroom by my collection of necklaces. she was one of the most important people in my life that you never got to meet. she was an incredible person - an incredible force. i like to think that you have a little of her magic.

big year

i started the school year pregnant - it was the most difficult pregnancy i had of my three. i felt so awful (physically) that it made me think awful thoughts which then made me feel more awful (psychologically). it was a bad cycle...that feeling passed after 16 weeks

i finally started the dance i had thought about starting for the past 8 years: questions for men

i finished my degree in human sexuality education. my last class was my hardest. i thought about bowing out because i didn't know if i would pass...i have very little confidence in my self about a lot of things...added now to that list is "applied research"

i choreographed the musical for school throughout the last trimester of my pregnancy. the music was impossible. i have a lot of funny recordings of myself dancing out 8 counts in the middle of the night pregnant to you tube recordings of west side story tracks that were probably not in 8s.

eli and i decided to move.
he found a job but we had not found a place to live. this caused a great  deal of stress and tension between us.
i have a lot of feelings and like talking about them. eli does not feel the need to express himself as frequently nor as in-depth as i do. this was a difficult topic for a while - it's one of our biggest challenges - finding the balance between the two of us.

i had baby p - named for my friend, mentor, mother-figure guru peggy. we didn't know we were having a girl, despite being decided on using a p name in peggy's honor. finding out she was a girl once she was born was more emotional than i had anticipated

during my maternity leave from work i taught sex ed classes almost every day with baby p strapped to my body. i loved it.
i also went to look at homes out where we were planning to move. i saw over 30 homes. i joked that we were my realtor's nightmare. that part i didn't love

i realized that with my move i would definitely not be able to keep my current job - the uncertainty of what i would be doing was both exciting and terrifying

we got our house ready to show and sell.
 keeping a house clean with two dogs and three kids is a challenge.

we are now two weeks away from moving. i love the house we have lived in for the past 7 years. we built our family in this house. we built the house itself. when eli got it it was falling apart. together (but mostly eli) we built it into what it is.

i probably forgot something because of my post pregnancy brain
but it's been a busy year

reflection on pregnancy

this is my third, and probably last, time i will experience this...what i consider to be kind of magical/miraculous thing called pregnancy.

while i had a lot of time and energy to reflect on pregnancy the first time around, and less the second, this pregnancy has gone almost completely unacknowledged. over the course of these nine months i have finished my masters, been raising two children, working full/over time at school, choreographing my third musical, "west side story" (which i had no idea would be so challenging musically - choose any song from the show and try to count out the beats...) and been generally distressed about the state of the world and in particular our country. i have been busy...not only mentally, but physically and emotionally.

in the chaos of everything i suddenly realized that this experience of pregnancy would soon be over. and while the next stage - bringing a new person into the world - is also amazing/scary/potentially overwhelming, i wanted to stop and reflect on this part before its over.

things i won't miss about pregnancy

• leg cramps
• foot cramps
• varicose veins
• having to approach rolling from one side to the other in bed like a three-pt-turn: in stages
• not being able to take-off or put-on my shoes easily
• getting winded sooooo easily
• braxton hicks contractions for months
• not being able to have a looooong satisfying pee (all short, pathetic amounts) 
• the first three months of vomiting and feeling sick all. the. time.
• depression and guilt for depression
• anticipating labor/the unknown

things i will miss about pregnancy

• feeling a living being inside my body
• the attention/extra care from others/strangers
• being amazed at my body for how it is able to grow a human inside of it
• not feeling weird about having someone put their hand on my belly to feel the baby - feeling like it's not mine, but just something i get to share with the world
• having my four and one-year-old kiss my belly and talk to the baby
• prenatal visits to the birth center (an organization I love along with everything it stands for)
• extra foot rubs from erk
• anticipating labor/the unknown

i am probably less than two weeks away from delivering this baby and while there is still a lot to do before it arrives (would ideally like to get through the musical next week, report-writing, lesson planing etc) ultimately what i want to do more of during this time, is nothing but enjoy it. i want to take in this moment before the moment. i want to spend as much time appreciating my family before we transform from a 4-some to a 5-some. i want to be kinder to myself and stop to breathe and appreciate that within the chaos and sometimes devastation that is the world around us, life is a gift and creating it is a miracle.

new year

this picture is anticipation
it can make me feel hopeful and calm, but also anxious
out of this big vast, blue ocean, so easy to get lost in, i am about to emerge
guided by a band of people who love me, and people whom i also love
i don't want to take that for granted...i am lucky to have these people and others

but the water was warm that day and the air was not. 
i knew that when i got out i would be much colder than i was when i was carried by the waves, just letting my body, with another little body inside of me, be weightless
so often i feel heavier than i am, carry more than i have,
want,
or am able to

i like making new years resolutions, despite rarely sticking to them
this year i want to jump in more oceans
want to remember to just enjoy the moments i have in the moments i have them - so easy to get lost in the past and the future.
want to never take for granted those people on the shore helping to guide me - let them catch me with big open arms
and like my four year old taught me: remember to put my brave in front of my scared

some quotes by my little lady...

to her pediatrician who does house calls and she is slightly in love with him:
"do you bring your lunch to work? what color is your lunch box?"
with a sly grin:
"are you going to give my little brother a shot?"
as doc is leaving our house, awkwardly because he know's it's coming and never knows how to respond:
"bye doctor wood, i love you!"

when discussing her birthday:
"and i am getting a cousin for my birthday."
me in spanish- "oh yeah, max will be a big brother and you will get a cousin"
m: "well, babies come out when they are ready to come out, mamá"

after doing anything "wrong":
"sorry mamá! but you still love me, right?"

to her little brother when they are sitting at the table eating and he throws something on the floor:
"¡en la mesa junot!"
gives item back and helps him put it on the table
"gracias, muy bien"

when pretending to play store with me:
"will you pay this señora?" ("to pay" is synonymous with "to buy" but also "to ring-up")
"do you want another one? Here's another one. do you want this? well you can't have it, you have to leave some for eli" (i think it's funny when she uses our first names)

she has started taking an interest (it only took 4 years) in speaking spanish. but her oral abilities are way behind her comprehension, so she just calls out single words like when we are walking:
 "look, mamá, 'bicicleta!'"
or she has started repeating back things she hears on a regular basis but gets it slightly wrong:
"sí, no como" (should be: "sí, ¿como no?")
or, "te quiero más en el mundo mamá"
close enough.

inauguration day

i have not written in a while
i felt inspired to today however

on our way to school earlier this week m and i were listening to NPR as we always do. she occasionally blurts out "hey they said barack obama!" or some other name or word she recognizes (sometimes it's a name like "kelly" or a word like "bridge") on this particular morning she noted that trump's name kept coming up but that hillary clinton's didn't anymore. i reminded her that it was because trump was about to become president and clinton was not. i told her how much we would miss obama and she said :
"what's his sister name again?"
"no tiene hermana," i answered
"no, the mom, the mom"
"su esposa? se llama michele obama"
"yeah, michelle obama. maybe she can be the presidenta when donald trump is done"

i love that she:
1. didn't know the word president in english
2. has no reservation about the possibility of a woman becoming president
3. can so easily be optimistic and can literally, along with her brother, lift my spirits instantaneously

lets let all the little lights in our life shine, shine shine and lead us through these darker times