flip flopper

even as a little kid i hated making decisions
there was something extremely anxiety provoking about having control over my own future. i would so much rather be given a situation in which i create my possibilities within it, rather than creating the situation itself.

even now, as a full grown up (or however grown up you can be and still wear nike hightops) i prefer to order last at a restaurant.
why last?
because rather than choosing the meal i think i want (who can be sure of what they want?), i select the meal that has not been ordered at my table
(this is done not only to relieve myself of the responibility of decision-maker, but also allows me to try all the different kinds of dishes being served)

therein lies the problem.
in choosing, we are cutting out a variety of possibilities: if i order steak, then i am not having ravioli.
but i will be relieved to order steak, if i know that you are ordering ravioli and will share with me.

how does this effect my life?
how does it not?

i miss living in a city, but also long to live out in the country. unfortunately the suburbs are not the happy medium, of ravioli-steak sharing, but a combination of the worst of the two worlds and ends up giving me a stomachache.

i spent weeks hating my job and fantasizing about quitting, but that would be a major decision...
and no, i am not quitting my job in the middle of the school year, but can i stay here next year? or will my soul slowly be eaten away by conservative thinking?
maybe i will become a good spanish teacher and enjoy what i'm doing more - will that be enough to justify my working here?

does the spastic nature of this post properly illustrate how indecisive and unsure of everything i am?