engrained

the other night i was chatting with a few friends about gender stereotypes.  People were sharing stories of their young kids saying things like "she can't twirl me, i am the boy, i twirl her" or "that's not a boy color" and i thought to myself "amazing how these things are engrained at such a young age."

because i consider myself to have evolved and been educated enough to recognize these patterns started in society that so many of us help to sustain... or maybe not.

last monday i parked my car behind a school bus and before i had a chance to get out, the bus started to back up. i was sure it would stop after the first couple of feet, but once i realized it had no plan of stopping i panicked and tried to restart the ignition. no time. i layed on the horn but the bus couldn't hear me due to that obnoxious sound all large vehicles make when thrown into reverse.  i must have been screaming obscenities as the bus came over the top of the front of my car, crushing my hood and still making it's way to my windshield, but i don't remember. i just remember when it stopped. the bus and the noise. then it pulled forward. i got out of my car and the school bus driver got out of the bus.

he looked at the damage to my car and said something like "you can't park so close!"
to which i responded:
"i'm. so. sorry."

and for the next 20 minutes the driver couldn't stop shaking his head and cursing his now tainted driving record, and i couldn't stop apologizing.

when i called erk i told him right away "it was all my fault"
"what do you mean? why are you saying that?" without having been there he knew the story didn't sound right

it wasn't until after the moment had passed and i was back in my crushed but functioning vehicle that i realized the severity of my mistake. not parking too close, but accepting responsibility and blame where it absolutely didn't belong.

what inspired me to apologize? accept fault? the only thing i could come up with was some hard wiring malfunction of being a woman.  and why did the driver, at no point in the 20 minutes following the incident, ever say the words back: "i. am. sorry." i can only imagine that was part of his own hard wiring problems. but i would like to believe it is something we can change, more like "software". but we have to take a look at who/what is in charge of programming...