a pure joy

don't get me wrong, when she started shrieking in the target store because i didn't want to pick her up, the first word that came to my mind was not "joy"

i had given her the two totally reasonable choices of either going back into the shopping cart seat or continuing to walk but she insisted on "upa" like "uppie" except my back has been feeling "brokie" and it never gets better on account of my always picking her up.
so i was trying to be reasonable, but firm.
"these are your TWO choices...
(........except if you keep shrieking, then i will just give you that third choice you want to avoid further embarrassment in front of this target store community)".

i am trying to remember to mean what a i say and say what i mean, but it doesn't always work.

the more important lessons i am learning are about how to slow down and soak up the smallest moments. there are so many good ones

i thought writing some of them down would help:

1. watching m look over at her dad in total adoration and imitate the awkward way he lays down on the dining room floor next to him.

2. watching her 18 month old body bundled up with her gloves, hat and coat (that previously belonged to her mother over 30 years ago) waddle down the street as she calls out to the dogs ahead.

3. asking to hold the chaweenie dog and stroking him like a baby, trying to shush him to sleep.

4. pushing her play stroller around the house and making a "beeeep, beeeep, beeeep" sound anytime she moves in reverse

5. wondering where she is and finding her quietly looking at a book in her room snuggled up next to the dog.

6. listening to her name (by choosing one syllable in their name) all the people she recognizes from the photos on our fridge

7. hearing her laugh. hearing her laugh. hearing her laugh.

8. watching her feet dangle over the edge of the toilet seat as she requests the book "Slowly Slowly Slowly said the Sloth" which she over annunciates into, "Soooo Soooo Soooo"

9. finding her smiling in her crib almost every morning

10. letting her break my back.

as much as i want to avoid picking her up, i also can't resist having her face up against mine. talking to her. getting and giving kisses, and whispering sweet nothings.