birth story

i didn't really have time to think about the fact that i was having another baby.
i was busy raising the first one, working, going to school (i had a paper due 3 days after you were born that i had not yet completed when i went into labor)
on tuesday may 3rd i came home with m and my braxton hicks contractions felt different, but only slightly
when erk came home around 5 i said, "i think this baby is coming tonight"
i called bubby to let her know that we would probably need her to come over later and take care of your big sister when your dad and i went to the birth center, but i would confirm with her later.
we were making pizza that night. when i had a stronger contraction i would kneel on the floor of the kitchen in child's pose and your big sister would rub my back.
6:30/7 rolled around and i was more sure it was happening - had already contacted the midwife on call  to let her know we would probably be in later that night. i called your bubby to say that we wanted her to come over right away. we weren't sure exactly when we would have to leave, but were more sure it was happening that very night.
when she arrived the contractions were still not that long or close together, but they were progressing. after less than an hour i told your dad i wanted to go to the birth center
"really? are you sure? doesn't seem like your contractions are that frequent yet" was his response.
i was sure.
i asked him to grab your carseat from the basement and instead of just throwing it into the car, he installed it. i remember thinking that those extra 7 minutes (or however long it was) were an eternity and there was a sudden increase in intensity of my contractions.
we got in the car and drove.
we arrived to the birth center at 9pm and the midwife and nurse on call checked to see how i was progressing. they told us i was 4 or 5 centimeters dilated. i knew that this was not actually very helpful in determining how long it would take for you to be born based on my experience giving birth to your sister.
i couldn't find a more comfortable position to labor in during the contractions. i kept trying different things to see if it would hurt less; i leaned over a birthing ball,  over the bed - but i ended up just going back to some form of child's pose. i had your dad put pressure on my lower back during each contraction. i started yelling to press harder. the harder he pushed the more relief it provided me - which wasn't much - but was something.
i was lucid between contractions. not like i was with your sister.
i remember thinking and then saying aloud "it's going to get so much worse before it gets better" the thought sort of scared me because the contractions were already so intense. but they never lasted very long.
it was maybe 9:45 when the nurse informed me that i was already ten centimeters dilated and i could push when i felt ready. every contraction i had was stronger but i wasn't sure i wanted to push yet. i couldn't explain why, but i didn't push. between contractions i remember commenting on what a shame it was that it was happening so fast - i was looking forward to getting to know the nurse and midwife better.
they laughed.
another contraction came and my water broke.
i couldn't find a position that was comfortable, didn't know how i would get you out of my body.
the nurse suggested i try the birthing stool.
i sat on it for two very intense contractions. during each one i was told i could push if i wanted and i kept saying "i don't know, i don't know, i don't know"
the second contraction ended and i leaned toward my right, shifting the weight off of my left foot.
the nurse asked why i was sitting that way. i responded somewhat indignantly "it feels more comfortable" - was this or was this not MY birthing experience?
the nurse said rather firmly, "sit straight with both feet planted on the floor"
i did
and without any time to think about it, your little body started to make it's way down the birthing canal and i had no choice but to help push you out
within 3 or 4 seconds the midwife caught you with one hand - she didn't even have time to put on rubber gloves.
you came into the world at 9:55pm
i am told you came out peeing. i don't remember seeing that, but i saw you were a boy
my first thought was "what the hell am i going to do with all the girl clothes i have?" your aunt had a baby the week before - also a boy
you were crying/screaming and you didn't stop for three hours; your arrival was very sudden for you as well.
we spent that night in the birth center; your dad and i in the bed with you beside us in a little bassinet. we hadn't brought a pacifier with us so i slept (and didn't sleep) with my pinky in your mouth while you tried to rest from the day's events.
the next morning we went home and you met your sister and bubby before they went off to school.
it took you a long time to adjust to the world - any time you weren't sleeping you were crying for the first several weeks (very unlike your sister at that age)
but i loved you immediately and fiercely