i was recently having a conversation about marriage/divorce. in fact, it was only a day before al and tipper gore announced they were splitting up after 40 years of matrimony. i had been arguing that many times people get married simply out of some sense of obligation. family/society expect us to marry and in some cases that is sufficient impetus to tie the knot. certainly there are other cases (hopefully more cases) in which a more thought-out, authentic desire brings a couple to the decision. the question in either situation becomes, if you're going through the process of making a public commitment to a person, then how does divorce fit into the equation? does it simply undermine the institution of marriage?
the person i was talking with at the time seemed to believe so. he argued that many times divorce was simply an any easy out. he claimed that relationships involve work, and divorce was a way of avoiding that work. now, i don't know if divorce can be called easy, but it is indeed an acknowledgment that just because a couple goes through the trouble of having a special ceremony and signing a special document, it does not protect that couple from any of the problems that may arise in any other relationship. on the other hand, people change, priorities change, situations change... so why do we continue to make these promises that many of us cannot keep?
there are many different answers and situations (and i would love to hear any from you if you are reading this and have a thought on the topic) but i will throw out one possibility - perhaps we still marry because we value language. yes, language. surely a couple can live an unmarried life parallel to that of a couple that is married. the only technical difference then, is in the title given to the status as a couple. another possibilty is the value we place on tradition, on sharing a history of the ceremony - of the symbolism... i'm not sure.
4 comments:
i do not think it is about language but ritual. i do not like the word husband and i never use it but i did love to get married. i did not need the piece of paper but i did need the family/friend affair to celebrate life and each other. sure, people marry and/or divorce without enough thought, for the most part, i think people, especially with children, try to make it work. divorce is also not failure. people evolve and not necessarily in synch. i cannot imagine not being married to f but i also cannot imagine growing up with married parents, ours apart were great!
to tie the knot or just living in sin does not make any difference.
and certainly is not a matter of language and probably neither of ritual.
is simply a need to share life with somebody else other than friends. A friend, a companion, a partner and a lover in the same body is the best you can get I guess.
divorcing is in no way a failure. as dale boca says is just growing not in synch, or even more simple: the death, or decrease, of love, of that urgent need to be together.
and it may be berry good for your children !!
i don't think marriage can be summed up in one word. I also feel since i have not been married, i don't have an opinion yet and i don't want to disrespect it. but i think marriage is important. (as is best seen with the fight for the right to marriage for gay couples.) And I don't think it is fair to say "why do we continue to make these promises that many of us cannot keep?" I think to say "Many" is a generalization and because of that, untrue. I come from divorced parents who never remarried, but I am also in a family of 60 people of whom everyone "of age" is married and they all value the sanctity of marriage very much. While I can see myself being happy never officially getting married as long as I am with the person I want to spend my life with, I also think it is important to make that formal committment and celebrate your union. One of my married friends who has been with her husband for over ten years, married for two, told me recently, that contrary to people thinking it is the same as just living together, it is different. It is exciting and she felt like they were now a team, ready to take on anything. She also talked about the importance of planning a wedding together.
I'm also not sure what your question means regarding divorce fitting into the equation? I don't think divorce ever fits into the equation of marriage. and it some cases i think divorce may undermine one's declaration of marriage (if it's your fourth marriage!) But I don't think because divorce exists, it undermines marriage.
The question is WHEN are they going to make a sequel to Runaway Bride?
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