life is a beach

i have a lot of anxiety
about not finishing things that i start
or about not trying things i think about trying
but on a daily basis its about not doing something in the most efficient manner that it could have or should have been done

and sometimes that anxiety is self-deprecating or even paralyzing.
all the "if"s or "if only"s make me feel somewhat helpless rather than pushing me toward action

i was recently recalling a time only a few years ago when i was out doing a training run in preparation for a marathon on one of my favorite beaches in the world.
so i ran down the beach for 6 miles or so, but before i got to turn around, a storm had begun.

and without any time to have anticipated and worried, it was there:
thunder and lightening
and no one but me on the beach, six miles away from shelter.
and i remember feeling like i was trying to outrun the lightening (which is impossible for many reasons and trying impossible things can also give you anxiety) but it was only a moment before i suddenly felt a relief and a total sense of peace
relief in the fact that i knew i could not in fact outrun the lightening, and so the best i could do was enjoy that i had this whole beautiful island to myself for that time and that i was alone with the ocean and the big busy sky .

sometimes instead of fighting a current, you have to ride the wave.

running again

it seems like another life ago that i was living on the upper west side (it was).  i would run down amsterdam avenue and meet my sister on the corner of 94th street outside famous famiglia to go for our 6:15 am bitter-ass cold run.

no matter how uninspired i felt waking up those mornings, i was sure to get my butt out the door to meet her. something about the expectation she had of me, the routine of it, the shared experience, made it work.

over the course of my running career i have found a variety of inspirations, cues or goals to facilitate that nudge you need to get out of bed and put your running sneakers on. i had not had any such inspirations cues or goals in about 7 months.

but for the past three days i have gotten up and ran. partly because i was only a block away from a beach, and it seemed like too good of an opportunity to waste. and partly because if a group of 8th graders could do it, i knew i could too. it felt nice to get that kick of inspiration again. i'm hoping it will last.

*photo taken from the web - i still dont have a charger for my camera battery

marathon envy

every year, since the first year i watched the nyc marathon (2004) i have either ran the race myself, or been envious of the people that did. this year i am not only envious but PROUD of the various members of my familia, for taking on this incredible challenge. to my brother in-law (father of 4 yet found the time/energy/dedication to train) my brother (who is injured and under-trained, but crazy enough to do it anyway) my sister (two back surgeries and four kids later, is walking a race she has run in the past) and mama bear (who has never done anything athletic in her life, but as a 65 year old mother of 3 marathoners, was inspired and has been training with my sister to walk) GOOD LUCK! today is going to be a great day, and i'm excited for you, and excited to see you out on the course of one of the greatest races there is.

“There are no limits. There are plateaus, and you must not stay there; you must go beyond them. If it kills you, it kills you.”

that's a bruce lee quote

it's a great reminder about what we are capable of if we literally put our mind to it.

eli sends me articles he has read online several times a day. sometimes i don't have the time to get to all of them or read one all the way through (some are long, and i am an exceptionally slow reader). but this one i read in its entirety.

it talks about the sport of memorization. like running, most people believe they can only accomplish so much with what they have; but like training for a marathon, it's not as impossible as it seems; people can train their brains to remember unimaginable details of information in incredibly short amounts of time.

the focus of the article is really on the brain and the techniques used to train and trick it into remembering things. but it reminded me about my conversation last week about the art of the oral tradition and its disappearance since the development of publishing. indeed, the more technology we develop the less need we have to use our brain's memory power. people don't even remember phone numbers anymore, they just save them straight into their phones.

bruce lee is smart. if you read the article it will make more sense.

rushing nowhere

i was running down into the subway station, carrying two grocery bags from zabar's - determined to make it onto the train that just pulled into 79th street. i rushed past one group of people meandering down the stairs, past another strolling toward the turn-styles but then got stuck behind an old lady unable to get her metrocard successfully swiped. she kept re-swiping over and over again as hoards of people exited the train and spilled through the remaining turn-styles, making it impossible for me to enter through any besides the one this old lady was blocking.

"la puta que me parió" i muttered quietly- and the moment i heard myself say the words, i was instantly ashamed. why was i so annoyed? apart from aggravating my o.c.d. for anything related to efficiency, what difference did it make if i got on this train or the next? sometimes i feel like this city turns me into a little ball of tension.

nyc marathon

today was the nyc marathon. the picture above is of the first three women at mile 24. the one in the middle won... pretty cool that all the "normal" people get to run the same course, at the same time, as the world's best.

i had signed up to run this year (but then i would not have been able to take the picture...) the other reason i canceled my registration was because i knew i would not have been able to keep up with the training. my big brother, being in a similar situation (not having kept up with the training/trained at all) was determined to run - completing his 15th marathon; 7th in nyc.

i had arranged to jump in and run a couple of miles with him as a symbolic way of showing support. despite the fact that he had completed 23 miles by the time i joined him, i had trouble keeping up. ten minutes in, i felt like i couldn't keep going. running is a hard thing to do if your body is not in condition to do it - hard to trick it into believing it is. but the mind is a powerful thing. i found i could infact keep running because at the point that i wanted to stop, my brother broke his silence of several concentrated minutes to say "stay with me" - so i did.

because of my love of anaolgies, i have always enjoyed the ways in which i can relate running a marathon to other parts of my life - today it reminded me that sometimes we find inspiration/strength/support from others when we are unable to find it within ourselves.

the robber

I just came back from seeing another NYFF flick with my two favorite movie critics. Based on a true story, the robber is about a champion marathon runner who happens to also rob banks.

when the movie started i was very tired and restless. i couldn't stop fidgeting and yawning until i gave in - took a mini nap during a quiet scene. i woke up two minutes later refreshed. (sometimes you just need to take the edge off).

perhaps it was due to the fact that there isn't that much dialogue in the movie that my mind had room to wander - because i ended up thinking about a lot of things over the course of my viewing (once i woke up).

i thought about running and how much it has, in the past, served me in symbolic ways - the lessons it teaches me about myself, about the power of endurance, the ability to push your own limits and the benefits of hard work and perseverance. the protagonist of the film is nothing if not a dedicated runner - even trains when he is in prison. then again, what else is he going to do in prison?

i thought about the lovely contrast between all the quiet/slow scenes and the fast/loud/running from the cops complete-with-drumming-soundtrack scenes. it made me think about dance and how much i miss making it.

i also gave a lot of consideration to the leading character. despite being a bank robber and eventually even killing at least one person, i found myself liking him quite a bit (or at least rooting for him some how). he (seemingly) had no real reason to behave the way he did - he just couldn't help the compulsion. i felt a great deal of empathy/sympathy (don't really understand the difference) for him. he didn't know how to stop what he had started. he also didn't know how to express any emotions (didn't smile once throughout the film - even during the love scenes). and yet, i trusted that he did have feelings, they just weren't readily accessible to him. i believe this was confirmed in the final scene of the movie - which was nothing short of beautiful.

cookies and wisdom

sensitive

i bumped into a friend on the street the other day and started chatting about how much the weather has been affecting my mood. he said, "sounds like you have s.a.d." i had heard of seasonal affective disorder but i didn't know about the funny acronym. while i believe that there is a tendency to over diagnose things in this country and give every miniscule behavior/thought/tendency a name which includes the word "disorder" in its title, i do think my mood shifts with the seasons. but i think it shifts with any and all of my surroundings (i believe this is true in part, for most people).
today - for example: i was out in the rain at 6:30am to volunteer for a NYRR race. not because i have a big heart (although i do) but as a requirement. it was an all women race, and about 10,000 women showed up (despite the awful weather). some women were super nice and appreciative that us volunteers were standing out in the rain for them (this made me feel nice) and other runners were super aggressive, obnoxious and rude (ok, maybe one in particular) but it set me off in the worst/angry mood.
i tend to have the same sensitivity when driving. if i am in vermont, i find driving to be a pleasure, a calming experience, like i'm one with mother nature (while simultaneously destroying her...). but in the city, it is not only NOT "calming" but i develop the nastiest road rage and become a super asshole.
i feel like a chameleon.