how long?

i got back from a weekend away from m last night

while i was away wondering about every little thing she was doing or not doing i also wondered how long it would take for her to not remember who i was.

surely after those three days she would still remember, but what about three weeks? three months? she is not yet a year old so even though she has a very clear idea of who i am now, her "lifetime" is short, so all time is relative to that.

everyone assured me she would never forget. that even if she forgot, she would then somehow remember.  and while i believe that in part to be true (that even the things we dont remember from our past are somehow kept somewhere deep in our brains in a place that we may not always be able to access completely or clearly) i also still wondered, how long until she would look at me blankly and wonder "who is that person?"

while she did indeed remember me when i came back from the weekend, she did have a funny reaction to seeing me. she went from smiling (something she does for everyone she sees in case she can get one in return) to a look of almost fear. she then looked over at her dad as if to ask for confirmation of something.

for the rest of the evening she preferred her dad over me and i thought "how nice for both of them"

as much as i love being an important person in m's life i enjoy watching her develop other relationships, most especially that one, even more. they are lucky to have each other. i am lucky to have them both.

sitting up and having faith

most of us know there are a thousand different things you are NOT supposed to do to a baby, and a thousand other things you are ALWAYS supposed to do, but depending on who you ask, these two lists may overlap. one of the things we chose to do with m was let her figure things out on her own. mostly how to move her body through space. specifically we never taught her how to sit.

i believe that our bodies are, for the most part, very efficient at finding ways of executing an action, and that (especially for babies) it does what it is ready to do, when it is ready to do it.  I had seen m's classmates propped up at her daycare with pillows and mats and eventually being left just to balance in a sitting position and watched as they fell flat onto their faces or onto their backs and wasn't convinced that this was an effective lesson. perhaps a good lesson on falling, but not on sitting.

so i asked her teachers to please not prop her up or try to sit her, to let her explore the floor on her back, and once she could roll, explore her belly. but to let her work things out on her own and avoid all the contraptions that strap a kid in and claim to help them "learn" how to move a certain way. even the director of the daycare asked me "so, how do you imagine your daughter will learn how to sit?" the question seemed so ridiculous that i started to doubt my answer..."she will find her way there when she is ready....(?)".

even m's (ex) pediatrician asked me if i had been sitting her up at her 6 month visit (when she was five and a half months old). when i said that i didn't do that (trying to explain the reasoning) she quickly interjected that i had to start sitting her up, otherwise she wouldn't get strong enough to develop the necessary muscles. despite all the information i was getting to the contrary, we stuck to our plan of not sitting m up. it was hard to not be tempted...maybe she could balance there now? all of her classmates had gone through their sitting/falling training and were sitting solidly now. she was the only one not sitting yet...

but she was doing other things. she explored the possibilities of her body against the floor. started to push up into planks, then started to get up on her hands and knees to rock back and forth. she developed an army crawl, a side lounge position, a side sit with one hand against the floor, and then very suddenly, three days ago she brought herself up to sitting, with no hands.

it was so exciting. she looked so big, but more than anything else, she looked accomplished - like she knew she had just crossed a major benchmark (maybe that's just my projection, but when she raised both hands in the air it looked like a celebration of achievement).  and once she did it, she couldn't stop doing it. she gets herself into a sitting position more and more everyday. and when the dogs come over to try and lick her in the face, sometimes she falls over, but more often than not she knows how to catch herself in that same position she taught herself before getting all the way up to sitting.

of course, there are instances in which a baby needs help organizing the movement of his/her body. but those are the exception, not the rule, and probably should be monitored by a professional therapist. and while i don't believe that it is wrong to "teach" a baby to sit - i don't think it is (in most cases) a necessity. it's not a race, eventually they will all find their way there.

markers of time

when a friend passed away a couple of years ago, i remember distinguishing each place i had been or each day that had passed as my first without her. while i carry the things that she taught me and the memory of her with me always, these little markers of time and space as "my first since" were significant.

this past friday my future brother in law stated that it was the last friday erk and i would be single people. this marking as our "last before" clearly holds another kind of significance. and yet, time is still the protagonist: drawing the lines that form our life maps.