while sitting at the dining room table, each of us on our devices studying, erk starts to read aloud about social cognitive theory, and i think he is making fun of me in some way, because it sounds like he is reading from the same text that i am
but he isn't. we happen to be reading about the same thing at the same time
and suddenly i realize how sort of crazy it is that we are both in school at this point in our lives (with two kids and two dogs and one job between us) and crazier still that despite his studying dentistry and my studying human sexuality they are both in the field of health and how crazy that is - that i never saw that similarity/overlap.
i know one day we will look back on this time - when we spent our evenings studying instead of watching a show together or endeavoring independently into our own hobbies, or going out dancing(!) , and we will think: those times were hard - good, but hard
but you need some hard times to fully appreciate the easier ones, and i don't want to ever forget that.
Showing posts with label inbetween. Show all posts
Showing posts with label inbetween. Show all posts
Thursday, October 6, 2016
Wednesday, June 29, 2016
birth story
i didn't really have time to think about the fact that i was having another baby.
i was busy raising the first one, working, going to school (i had a paper due 3 days after you were born that i had not yet completed when i went into labor)
on tuesday may 3rd i came home with m and my braxton hicks contractions felt different, but only slightly
when erk came home around 5 i said, "i think this baby is coming tonight"
i called bubby to let her know that we would probably need her to come over later and take care of your big sister when your dad and i went to the birth center, but i would confirm with her later.
we were making pizza that night. when i had a stronger contraction i would kneel on the floor of the kitchen in child's pose and your big sister would rub my back.
6:30/7 rolled around and i was more sure it was happening - had already contacted the midwife on call to let her know we would probably be in later that night. i called your bubby to say that we wanted her to come over right away. we weren't sure exactly when we would have to leave, but were more sure it was happening that very night.
when she arrived the contractions were still not that long or close together, but they were progressing. after less than an hour i told your dad i wanted to go to the birth center
"really? are you sure? doesn't seem like your contractions are that frequent yet" was his response.
i was sure.
i asked him to grab your carseat from the basement and instead of just throwing it into the car, he installed it. i remember thinking that those extra 7 minutes (or however long it was) were an eternity and there was a sudden increase in intensity of my contractions.
we got in the car and drove.
we arrived to the birth center at 9pm and the midwife and nurse on call checked to see how i was progressing. they told us i was 4 or 5 centimeters dilated. i knew that this was not actually very helpful in determining how long it would take for you to be born based on my experience giving birth to your sister.
i couldn't find a more comfortable position to labor in during the contractions. i kept trying different things to see if it would hurt less; i leaned over a birthing ball, over the bed - but i ended up just going back to some form of child's pose. i had your dad put pressure on my lower back during each contraction. i started yelling to press harder. the harder he pushed the more relief it provided me - which wasn't much - but was something.
i was lucid between contractions. not like i was with your sister.
i remember thinking and then saying aloud "it's going to get so much worse before it gets better" the thought sort of scared me because the contractions were already so intense. but they never lasted very long.
it was maybe 9:45 when the nurse informed me that i was already ten centimeters dilated and i could push when i felt ready. every contraction i had was stronger but i wasn't sure i wanted to push yet. i couldn't explain why, but i didn't push. between contractions i remember commenting on what a shame it was that it was happening so fast - i was looking forward to getting to know the nurse and midwife better.
they laughed.
another contraction came and my water broke.
i couldn't find a position that was comfortable, didn't know how i would get you out of my body.
the nurse suggested i try the birthing stool.
i sat on it for two very intense contractions. during each one i was told i could push if i wanted and i kept saying "i don't know, i don't know, i don't know"
the second contraction ended and i leaned toward my right, shifting the weight off of my left foot.
the nurse asked why i was sitting that way. i responded somewhat indignantly "it feels more comfortable" - was this or was this not MY birthing experience?
the nurse said rather firmly, "sit straight with both feet planted on the floor"
i did
and without any time to think about it, your little body started to make it's way down the birthing canal and i had no choice but to help push you out
within 3 or 4 seconds the midwife caught you with one hand - she didn't even have time to put on rubber gloves.
you came into the world at 9:55pm
i am told you came out peeing. i don't remember seeing that, but i saw you were a boy
my first thought was "what the hell am i going to do with all the girl clothes i have?" your aunt had a baby the week before - also a boy
you were crying/screaming and you didn't stop for three hours; your arrival was very sudden for you as well.
we spent that night in the birth center; your dad and i in the bed with you beside us in a little bassinet. we hadn't brought a pacifier with us so i slept (and didn't sleep) with my pinky in your mouth while you tried to rest from the day's events.
the next morning we went home and you met your sister and bubby before they went off to school.
it took you a long time to adjust to the world - any time you weren't sleeping you were crying for the first several weeks (very unlike your sister at that age)
but i loved you immediately and fiercely
i was busy raising the first one, working, going to school (i had a paper due 3 days after you were born that i had not yet completed when i went into labor)
on tuesday may 3rd i came home with m and my braxton hicks contractions felt different, but only slightly
when erk came home around 5 i said, "i think this baby is coming tonight"
i called bubby to let her know that we would probably need her to come over later and take care of your big sister when your dad and i went to the birth center, but i would confirm with her later.
we were making pizza that night. when i had a stronger contraction i would kneel on the floor of the kitchen in child's pose and your big sister would rub my back.
6:30/7 rolled around and i was more sure it was happening - had already contacted the midwife on call to let her know we would probably be in later that night. i called your bubby to say that we wanted her to come over right away. we weren't sure exactly when we would have to leave, but were more sure it was happening that very night.
when she arrived the contractions were still not that long or close together, but they were progressing. after less than an hour i told your dad i wanted to go to the birth center
"really? are you sure? doesn't seem like your contractions are that frequent yet" was his response.
i was sure.
i asked him to grab your carseat from the basement and instead of just throwing it into the car, he installed it. i remember thinking that those extra 7 minutes (or however long it was) were an eternity and there was a sudden increase in intensity of my contractions.
we got in the car and drove.
we arrived to the birth center at 9pm and the midwife and nurse on call checked to see how i was progressing. they told us i was 4 or 5 centimeters dilated. i knew that this was not actually very helpful in determining how long it would take for you to be born based on my experience giving birth to your sister.
i couldn't find a more comfortable position to labor in during the contractions. i kept trying different things to see if it would hurt less; i leaned over a birthing ball, over the bed - but i ended up just going back to some form of child's pose. i had your dad put pressure on my lower back during each contraction. i started yelling to press harder. the harder he pushed the more relief it provided me - which wasn't much - but was something.
i was lucid between contractions. not like i was with your sister.
i remember thinking and then saying aloud "it's going to get so much worse before it gets better" the thought sort of scared me because the contractions were already so intense. but they never lasted very long.
it was maybe 9:45 when the nurse informed me that i was already ten centimeters dilated and i could push when i felt ready. every contraction i had was stronger but i wasn't sure i wanted to push yet. i couldn't explain why, but i didn't push. between contractions i remember commenting on what a shame it was that it was happening so fast - i was looking forward to getting to know the nurse and midwife better.
they laughed.
another contraction came and my water broke.
i couldn't find a position that was comfortable, didn't know how i would get you out of my body.
the nurse suggested i try the birthing stool.
i sat on it for two very intense contractions. during each one i was told i could push if i wanted and i kept saying "i don't know, i don't know, i don't know"
the second contraction ended and i leaned toward my right, shifting the weight off of my left foot.
the nurse asked why i was sitting that way. i responded somewhat indignantly "it feels more comfortable" - was this or was this not MY birthing experience?
the nurse said rather firmly, "sit straight with both feet planted on the floor"
i did
and without any time to think about it, your little body started to make it's way down the birthing canal and i had no choice but to help push you out
within 3 or 4 seconds the midwife caught you with one hand - she didn't even have time to put on rubber gloves.
you came into the world at 9:55pm
i am told you came out peeing. i don't remember seeing that, but i saw you were a boy
my first thought was "what the hell am i going to do with all the girl clothes i have?" your aunt had a baby the week before - also a boy
you were crying/screaming and you didn't stop for three hours; your arrival was very sudden for you as well.
we spent that night in the birth center; your dad and i in the bed with you beside us in a little bassinet. we hadn't brought a pacifier with us so i slept (and didn't sleep) with my pinky in your mouth while you tried to rest from the day's events.
the next morning we went home and you met your sister and bubby before they went off to school.
it took you a long time to adjust to the world - any time you weren't sleeping you were crying for the first several weeks (very unlike your sister at that age)
but i loved you immediately and fiercely
Monday, May 9, 2016
and then there was (N)one
the funny thing about the following post is that i never had time to finish it...
"last week i posted about chasing after my dog when she almost ran away and about being one of two pregnant sisters.
while i have managed to still not lose my very active new dog, i have lost my status as one of two pregnant sisters.
i became an aunt (x5 for this branch of the family) one week ago. while this has helped to make a little more concrete what comes after this long period of pregnancy for me, i have to admit that the whole thing is still a little abstract. i haven't had a chance to meet my nephew because neither my sister nor i are in a great position to make the 2 hour trip to visit one another, but i have heard my sister's accounts of all things newborn - nursing, sleeping, process of labor, and it's starting to sink in - in a matter of days there will be another life in this house - in the world...
the concept is so big that i don't/can't really think about it.
but the nesting process has begun! erk and i spent all weekend working on the house. I spent most of this first day of "maternity leave" avoiding my school work and doing manual labor...."
...i meant to finish the post about that period right before having a baby. the anticipation of not knowing exactly when it will happen, and then....it happened.
that second day of maternity leave. and my son is now already a week old. and it's strange to say "my son" because i am not used to that idea. i want to reflect more but for now i just wanted to finish (or acknowledge my unfinished) post from just a week ago
life happens so fast
"last week i posted about chasing after my dog when she almost ran away and about being one of two pregnant sisters.
while i have managed to still not lose my very active new dog, i have lost my status as one of two pregnant sisters.
i became an aunt (x5 for this branch of the family) one week ago. while this has helped to make a little more concrete what comes after this long period of pregnancy for me, i have to admit that the whole thing is still a little abstract. i haven't had a chance to meet my nephew because neither my sister nor i are in a great position to make the 2 hour trip to visit one another, but i have heard my sister's accounts of all things newborn - nursing, sleeping, process of labor, and it's starting to sink in - in a matter of days there will be another life in this house - in the world...
the concept is so big that i don't/can't really think about it.
but the nesting process has begun! erk and i spent all weekend working on the house. I spent most of this first day of "maternity leave" avoiding my school work and doing manual labor...."
...i meant to finish the post about that period right before having a baby. the anticipation of not knowing exactly when it will happen, and then....it happened.
that second day of maternity leave. and my son is now already a week old. and it's strange to say "my son" because i am not used to that idea. i want to reflect more but for now i just wanted to finish (or acknowledge my unfinished) post from just a week ago
life happens so fast
Monday, April 25, 2016
stop, breathe, be
stop, breathe, be.
this was a little mantra that i learned in the mindfulness workshop i did in the fall. i have since forgotten all about mindfulness and have become particularly absent-minded and reactful (except that is a word i may have made up.... ) partially due to the hormone shifts in my body from pregnancy, but also because i have recently felt...overwhelmed (the work, the school the new dog?)
after having class all weekend (17 hrs of it) i was sort of looking forward to not having to work on monday. except that m woke up with a complicated mood and spent most of the morning crying and complaining and my patience wore thin. things improved as we approached the afternoon so i thought i would take the dogs for a walk as m enjoyed a nice post-lunch banana smoothie in her stroller. it was a lovely idea.
when we got home i thought i would be especially thorough and brush both dogs before releasing them back into the house since i had done a half-assed (but better than nothing!) cleaning of the floors earlier that morning.
i brushed buster and put him inside the house no problem, m decided to go in with him. then i brushed jett, and even though i noticed as we were walking back from the park that i mistakenly only attached her leash to her harness and not her collar, i forgot this small detail as i took off her harness on our front porch. she realized before i did that she was no longer tethered to anything. she took a couple quick steps away from me before turning around to look at me. panicked, but acting cool, calm and collect, i bent down and called her name as sweetly as i could before she turned and ran right into the street with her clumsy, energetic puppy run.
as she went down the middle of our street a truck turned onto our block. because of the stop sign at the corner the driver wasn't going fast and had plenty of time to see her run right in front of him before hopping onto the sidewalk to turn the corner. as i started to try and calculate whether i was going to somehow go after her and how that might happen without completely abandoning my two year old alone in the house (not to mention my inability to run at the moment anyway...), a woman with a stroller and a dog appeared on the corner.
jett quickly turned back before fully disappearing around the corner to say hello - she can never resist socializing with another dog. i called out a request to please grab the dog, that she was friendly, and the woman with the stroller and the other dog calmly grabbed jett's collar as i hobbled down the street toward them. as i did the truck driver rolled down his window as he passed me to let me know that i "should be more careful". thank you mr truck driver, what a helpful comment in this moment of frustration, panic and embarrassment.
for some reason i had dropped the harness and leash before going after jett so when i got to her, the only way to get her back to our house was to hunch over and grab her collar as i wobbled my 9-month pregnant butt back down our block. did i mention the pain my body is in as i am approaching due date time? none of this was helpful to my already crooked and throbbing right side.
when i got back to my house m and buster were standing behind the storm door having witnessed the whole pathetic scene
-did you catch her, mom?
-yes....sort of.
the good news is that when i finally closed the door behind me, i remembered one of the things i had learned about myself during my mindfulness workshop in the fall.
one of the ways i relieve stress in my life is to just cry, and i hadn't had a good cry in a while.
but today i did.
and i genuinely felt better afterward.
this was a little mantra that i learned in the mindfulness workshop i did in the fall. i have since forgotten all about mindfulness and have become particularly absent-minded and reactful (except that is a word i may have made up.... ) partially due to the hormone shifts in my body from pregnancy, but also because i have recently felt...overwhelmed (the work, the school the new dog?)
after having class all weekend (17 hrs of it) i was sort of looking forward to not having to work on monday. except that m woke up with a complicated mood and spent most of the morning crying and complaining and my patience wore thin. things improved as we approached the afternoon so i thought i would take the dogs for a walk as m enjoyed a nice post-lunch banana smoothie in her stroller. it was a lovely idea.
when we got home i thought i would be especially thorough and brush both dogs before releasing them back into the house since i had done a half-assed (but better than nothing!) cleaning of the floors earlier that morning.
i brushed buster and put him inside the house no problem, m decided to go in with him. then i brushed jett, and even though i noticed as we were walking back from the park that i mistakenly only attached her leash to her harness and not her collar, i forgot this small detail as i took off her harness on our front porch. she realized before i did that she was no longer tethered to anything. she took a couple quick steps away from me before turning around to look at me. panicked, but acting cool, calm and collect, i bent down and called her name as sweetly as i could before she turned and ran right into the street with her clumsy, energetic puppy run.
as she went down the middle of our street a truck turned onto our block. because of the stop sign at the corner the driver wasn't going fast and had plenty of time to see her run right in front of him before hopping onto the sidewalk to turn the corner. as i started to try and calculate whether i was going to somehow go after her and how that might happen without completely abandoning my two year old alone in the house (not to mention my inability to run at the moment anyway...), a woman with a stroller and a dog appeared on the corner.
jett quickly turned back before fully disappearing around the corner to say hello - she can never resist socializing with another dog. i called out a request to please grab the dog, that she was friendly, and the woman with the stroller and the other dog calmly grabbed jett's collar as i hobbled down the street toward them. as i did the truck driver rolled down his window as he passed me to let me know that i "should be more careful". thank you mr truck driver, what a helpful comment in this moment of frustration, panic and embarrassment.
for some reason i had dropped the harness and leash before going after jett so when i got to her, the only way to get her back to our house was to hunch over and grab her collar as i wobbled my 9-month pregnant butt back down our block. did i mention the pain my body is in as i am approaching due date time? none of this was helpful to my already crooked and throbbing right side.
when i got back to my house m and buster were standing behind the storm door having witnessed the whole pathetic scene
-did you catch her, mom?
-yes....sort of.
the good news is that when i finally closed the door behind me, i remembered one of the things i had learned about myself during my mindfulness workshop in the fall.
one of the ways i relieve stress in my life is to just cry, and i hadn't had a good cry in a while.
but today i did.
and i genuinely felt better afterward.
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Thursday, September 6, 2012
stopping and thinking
last week i went thru a stop sign and got pulled over and given a citation
the week before that i had attended a "decision making" workshop whose manifold motto was, "stop, think, decide"
what a revolutionary concept.
i guess i had not yet mastered all the components of this complex system of ideas before making my way out into the world of suburban, ill-placed stop signs.
Friday, April 27, 2012
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
mood swings
it's hard to fully acknowledge one end of the swing when you are at the apex of the other.
but for now, i am delighted to not remember what being sad, upset or depressed feels or looks like.
i'm just enjoying the hell out of this up swing
hurting people's feelings
my mom claims that i do whatever i want and never care what anyone else thinks. not sure if she means in a "free spirit" kind of way or a "screw everyone else" kind of way. maybe both.
i would argue that i agonize endlessly over what other people think. am i making them uncomfortable? insulting their integrity? more importantly, am i hurting their feelings?
sometimes the answer is yes. sometimes i know the answer is yes but it doesn't mean that it sits well with me.
other times i worry so much that my stomach hurts; maybe i even cry about it. the funny thing is that only half of those times are warranted; the conflict begins and ends within my own mind. i have literally made myself crazy for nada on more than one occasion.
apart from providing proof that i am not made of stone - what is the point of all this worrying? if i did indeed hurt someone's feelings, agonizing over it isn't going to make them feel better. and if their feelings aren't hurt? then what am i getting so worked up over?
sometimes i think i literally can't distinguish between my own feelings and someone else's
i would argue that i agonize endlessly over what other people think. am i making them uncomfortable? insulting their integrity? more importantly, am i hurting their feelings?
sometimes the answer is yes. sometimes i know the answer is yes but it doesn't mean that it sits well with me.
other times i worry so much that my stomach hurts; maybe i even cry about it. the funny thing is that only half of those times are warranted; the conflict begins and ends within my own mind. i have literally made myself crazy for nada on more than one occasion.
apart from providing proof that i am not made of stone - what is the point of all this worrying? if i did indeed hurt someone's feelings, agonizing over it isn't going to make them feel better. and if their feelings aren't hurt? then what am i getting so worked up over?
sometimes i think i literally can't distinguish between my own feelings and someone else's
Friday, April 13, 2012
inbetween
work and home
sun and clouds
moving and pausing
day and night
land and water
city and suburb
transportation and exercise
death and rebirth
ground and sky
Monday, January 2, 2012
resolutions
despite the fact that last year's resolutions didn't come to fruition (running the nyc marathon and starting to learn russian), i think there is something meaningful about setting goals and articulating them. it is the first step of many in getting something done. i couldn't think of any resolutions this new year's eve, but i have not given up on the idea, even if it comes late. i just saw this video and it felt like the beginning of an idea. what idea? not sure. a dance, a project, a field of study, a hobby of reposting youtube videos...all of the above.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
become your dream
i have been thinking about this phrase a lot lately. in reading about other people's struggles to recognize where the limits of their dreams and their reality lie, and thinking about those same limits within my own life, this image kept popping into my head. sometimes the problem is not becoming your dream, but recognizing that you have already become it - or allowing your dream to change.
on a completely different note - i have been having strange dreams lately. but i will write about that later...
Sunday, April 17, 2011
college
i got to play parental figure today; taking my little sister to an overnight for perspective students at a nearby college. not wanting to be one of those overprotective "parents" i kept looking around, making sure that she wasn't the only kid still accompanied by an "adult" in the room. i didn't want to be a nag and stay too long with her, but i also didn't want to leave her. leaving her was an acknowledgement that she was ready for all of this new, independent life. and that i was too old to pretend to be a prospective student myself (although i was delighted to find that two people mistook me for one)i still remember my sister like this (above). the kid that came when i was old enough to really appreciate getting a younger sister. i spent an entire year painting a portrait of her as a baby. i collected photographs of her like this - little and adorable.
and now she is suddenly all grown up: mature, grounded in her beliefs, with a good head on her shoulders and ready for the world. i'm proud of the woman she grew to become.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Monday, October 11, 2010
between states
when i was in college i made a dance called "collective unconscious". i was interested in psychology - had considered majoring in it (along with a dozen other things that i didn't pursue) and had been reading a couple of books by jung and freud at the time. i was fascinated by the idea that there were things we didn't know we knew - locked away under a layer of this thing called consciousness. even more fascinated still in this idea that the unconscious state was one we shared with others. connecting with people in a way that we could not do otherwise.What is equally interesting to me is the transition from dreaming into waking from your dream- straddling the two worlds gives you access to both. the overlap is so brief but feels like a burst of enlightenment or something.
i fell asleep on the train this morning. while i don't remember what it was that i was dreaming about, i remember hearing someone saying "excuse me" to someone (not me) over and over again. i wondered why the words kept being repeated. it wasn't until i opened my eyes that i realized it was in fact precisely at me that the woman one seat over was directing her "excuse me". She was trying to get off the train and i was in her way.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
i went to the opening of the new york film festival on friday and saw the social network. i'm aware that it is a dramatization - merely based on a true story, but it supported a lot of the fears that i had about facebook.the main one being that it is a space that indulges some of our more pathetic, darker sides (picture someone wasting hours by themselves looking people up and feeling in some way social by doing so...i've done it). don't get me wrong - facebook has plenty of wonderful benefits, allowing for a lot of healthy connections, but it also fosters a morbid interaction among us- a false one.
my thoughts about the movie and a lot of the issues it raises are best expressed by two of my favorite people, at this link.
what i wanted to share, were my personal feelings of disgust - with the system and with my participation in it. have i committed facebook suicide? not yet. part of me is wondering if i can learn to use it responsibly. another part of me is wondering what the hell that means.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
buenas noches
i just had a quick review of saludos and despedidas (greetings and farewells) with my students this week.
grammatically easy in spanish.
conceptually hard in every language.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
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