reflection on pregnancy

this is my third, and probably last, time i will experience this...what i consider to be kind of magical/miraculous thing called pregnancy.

while i had a lot of time and energy to reflect on pregnancy the first time around, and less the second, this pregnancy has gone almost completely unacknowledged. over the course of these nine months i have finished my masters, been raising two children, working full/over time at school, choreographing my third musical, "west side story" (which i had no idea would be so challenging musically - choose any song from the show and try to count out the beats...) and been generally distressed about the state of the world and in particular our country. i have been busy...not only mentally, but physically and emotionally.

in the chaos of everything i suddenly realized that this experience of pregnancy would soon be over. and while the next stage - bringing a new person into the world - is also amazing/scary/potentially overwhelming, i wanted to stop and reflect on this part before its over.

things i won't miss about pregnancy

• leg cramps
• foot cramps
• varicose veins
• having to approach rolling from one side to the other in bed like a three-pt-turn: in stages
• not being able to take-off or put-on my shoes easily
• getting winded sooooo easily
• braxton hicks contractions for months
• not being able to have a looooong satisfying pee (all short, pathetic amounts) 
• the first three months of vomiting and feeling sick all. the. time.
• depression and guilt for depression
• anticipating labor/the unknown

things i will miss about pregnancy

• feeling a living being inside my body
• the attention/extra care from others/strangers
• being amazed at my body for how it is able to grow a human inside of it
• not feeling weird about having someone put their hand on my belly to feel the baby - feeling like it's not mine, but just something i get to share with the world
• having my four and one-year-old kiss my belly and talk to the baby
• prenatal visits to the birth center (an organization I love along with everything it stands for)
• extra foot rubs from erk
• anticipating labor/the unknown

i am probably less than two weeks away from delivering this baby and while there is still a lot to do before it arrives (would ideally like to get through the musical next week, report-writing, lesson planing etc) ultimately what i want to do more of during this time, is nothing but enjoy it. i want to take in this moment before the moment. i want to spend as much time appreciating my family before we transform from a 4-some to a 5-some. i want to be kinder to myself and stop to breathe and appreciate that within the chaos and sometimes devastation that is the world around us, life is a gift and creating it is a miracle.

new year

this picture is anticipation
it can make me feel hopeful and calm, but also anxious
out of this big vast, blue ocean, so easy to get lost in, i am about to emerge
guided by a band of people who love me, and people whom i also love
i don't want to take that for granted...i am lucky to have these people and others

but the water was warm that day and the air was not. 
i knew that when i got out i would be much colder than i was when i was carried by the waves, just letting my body, with another little body inside of me, be weightless
so often i feel heavier than i am, carry more than i have,
want,
or am able to

i like making new years resolutions, despite rarely sticking to them
this year i want to jump in more oceans
want to remember to just enjoy the moments i have in the moments i have them - so easy to get lost in the past and the future.
want to never take for granted those people on the shore helping to guide me - let them catch me with big open arms
and like my four year old taught me: remember to put my brave in front of my scared

birth story

i didn't really have time to think about the fact that i was having another baby.
i was busy raising the first one, working, going to school (i had a paper due 3 days after you were born that i had not yet completed when i went into labor)
on tuesday may 3rd i came home with m and my braxton hicks contractions felt different, but only slightly
when erk came home around 5 i said, "i think this baby is coming tonight"
i called bubby to let her know that we would probably need her to come over later and take care of your big sister when your dad and i went to the birth center, but i would confirm with her later.
we were making pizza that night. when i had a stronger contraction i would kneel on the floor of the kitchen in child's pose and your big sister would rub my back.
6:30/7 rolled around and i was more sure it was happening - had already contacted the midwife on call  to let her know we would probably be in later that night. i called your bubby to say that we wanted her to come over right away. we weren't sure exactly when we would have to leave, but were more sure it was happening that very night.
when she arrived the contractions were still not that long or close together, but they were progressing. after less than an hour i told your dad i wanted to go to the birth center
"really? are you sure? doesn't seem like your contractions are that frequent yet" was his response.
i was sure.
i asked him to grab your carseat from the basement and instead of just throwing it into the car, he installed it. i remember thinking that those extra 7 minutes (or however long it was) were an eternity and there was a sudden increase in intensity of my contractions.
we got in the car and drove.
we arrived to the birth center at 9pm and the midwife and nurse on call checked to see how i was progressing. they told us i was 4 or 5 centimeters dilated. i knew that this was not actually very helpful in determining how long it would take for you to be born based on my experience giving birth to your sister.
i couldn't find a more comfortable position to labor in during the contractions. i kept trying different things to see if it would hurt less; i leaned over a birthing ball,  over the bed - but i ended up just going back to some form of child's pose. i had your dad put pressure on my lower back during each contraction. i started yelling to press harder. the harder he pushed the more relief it provided me - which wasn't much - but was something.
i was lucid between contractions. not like i was with your sister.
i remember thinking and then saying aloud "it's going to get so much worse before it gets better" the thought sort of scared me because the contractions were already so intense. but they never lasted very long.
it was maybe 9:45 when the nurse informed me that i was already ten centimeters dilated and i could push when i felt ready. every contraction i had was stronger but i wasn't sure i wanted to push yet. i couldn't explain why, but i didn't push. between contractions i remember commenting on what a shame it was that it was happening so fast - i was looking forward to getting to know the nurse and midwife better.
they laughed.
another contraction came and my water broke.
i couldn't find a position that was comfortable, didn't know how i would get you out of my body.
the nurse suggested i try the birthing stool.
i sat on it for two very intense contractions. during each one i was told i could push if i wanted and i kept saying "i don't know, i don't know, i don't know"
the second contraction ended and i leaned toward my right, shifting the weight off of my left foot.
the nurse asked why i was sitting that way. i responded somewhat indignantly "it feels more comfortable" - was this or was this not MY birthing experience?
the nurse said rather firmly, "sit straight with both feet planted on the floor"
i did
and without any time to think about it, your little body started to make it's way down the birthing canal and i had no choice but to help push you out
within 3 or 4 seconds the midwife caught you with one hand - she didn't even have time to put on rubber gloves.
you came into the world at 9:55pm
i am told you came out peeing. i don't remember seeing that, but i saw you were a boy
my first thought was "what the hell am i going to do with all the girl clothes i have?" your aunt had a baby the week before - also a boy
you were crying/screaming and you didn't stop for three hours; your arrival was very sudden for you as well.
we spent that night in the birth center; your dad and i in the bed with you beside us in a little bassinet. we hadn't brought a pacifier with us so i slept (and didn't sleep) with my pinky in your mouth while you tried to rest from the day's events.
the next morning we went home and you met your sister and bubby before they went off to school.
it took you a long time to adjust to the world - any time you weren't sleeping you were crying for the first several weeks (very unlike your sister at that age)
but i loved you immediately and fiercely

and then there was (N)one

the funny thing about the following post is that i never had time to finish it...

"last week i posted about chasing after my dog when she almost ran away and about being one of two pregnant sisters.

while i have managed to still not lose my very active new dog, i have lost my status as one of two pregnant sisters.

i became an aunt (x5 for this branch of the family) one week ago. while this has helped to make a little more concrete what comes after this long period of pregnancy for me, i have to admit that the whole thing is still a little abstract. i haven't had a chance to meet my nephew because neither my sister nor i are in a great position to make the 2 hour trip to visit one another, but i have heard my sister's accounts of all things newborn - nursing, sleeping, process of labor, and it's starting to sink in - in a matter of days there will be another life in this house - in the world...

the concept is so big that i don't/can't really think about it.

but the nesting process has begun! erk and i spent all weekend working on the house. I spent most of this first day of "maternity leave" avoiding my school work and doing manual labor...."

...i meant to finish the post about that period right before having a baby. the anticipation of not knowing exactly when it will happen, and then....it happened.

that second day of maternity leave. and my son is now already a week old. and it's strange to say "my son" because i am not used to that idea. i want to reflect more but for now i just wanted to finish (or acknowledge my unfinished) post from just a week ago

life happens so fast

counting down

as i got off the phone this evening with my sister i said, "speak to you in another 12 hours" while it wasn't an agreed upon practice, we have been calling each other a lot this past week.

we are both getting so close to our respective due dates - hers only four days away and mine eleven - that it has made the anticipation of each baby that much more exciting but also that much more surreal.

i haven't had time to stop and think about the reality of adding another person to our family just days from now...between school and work, and our new dog.


oh did i mention that?

even though i have not consciously given this baby enough time, my body keeps trying to remind me with pangs of pain down my right side; the baby itself keeps reminding me with aggressive kicks and turns, "i'm coming! get ready!"

i am starting to hear you more now.
and whether i am ready or not (and chances are we won't be)
we'll make it work :)

life and death in the mind of a two year old

m has been talking a lot about "her baby sister" (we have not confirmed the gender, so i am hoping she is not devastated if she is wrong)
some days she proudly tells people that her baby is in my belly, or will pull up my shirt before going to bed to whisper something to her sibling
i don't know how much she understands about the reality of when the baby is actually here, but i know that despite whatever challenges it presents for her, it is also the greatest gift erk and i can give her.

we have also been talking a lot about family in general. she has so many cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents that sometimes i quiz her on who is related to whom. "¿quién es la mamá de papá?" (who is your dad's mom?) that one is easy for her. but one day she realized we had gone over all the combinations except for one and she asked "who's papá's dad? where he?" i explained that his name was pop but that he had died - like chloe. i don't know how much she remembers her dog chloe who passed away last spring. she seems to have some sense and memory of her. "oh" she responded.

weeks later she brought up papa's dad again. this time more out of the blue. she asked "pop is with chloe? they playing baseball?"

maybe. the truth is i don't know any more about life and death than she does...

group hug

when we can, erk, little m and i try to sit down and eat dinner together. it doesn't happen often

earlier this week we sat down and enjoyed one such occasion. 

it was lovely. 

even little m agreed. 

at one point she looked at us, cocked her head to the side and spread her arms out as if she was awaiting an embrace

erk and i frequently initiate "group hugs" and so i asked her, "group hug?" and she nodded and smiled. it was the best group hug we've ever had.

a year

i woke up this morning to the sound of m waking up.
for the past year my body has been irreversibly linked to hers, waking when she wakes, sometimes a moment before in anticipation.

exactly a year ago today little m entered this world
a year ago that i was pregnant and ready and not ready for everything to begin.

someone recently asked me, "so, has your life changed since having a kid?" and i laughed.
it feels like a different life altogether.

we will celebrate m's birthday today. the day that her life began, along with this new one of ours.

*photo credit gianluca vassallo

birth story

toward the end of my pregnancy i became very interested in reading about labor. in particular i enjoyed reading different women's birthing stories.  learning about other people's experiences helped get me ready for my own.

so, i thought i would write little m's birth story both to join that chorus of hippy dippy moms that share these personal moments in an effort to create a community of supportive people, and also to simply capture the experience before time and the malfunctions of memory obscure or alter it.

i think the experience of labor could be compared to running a marathon in many ways. so much of the process is mental despite being so seemingly physical. i remember at about an hour into my birth center experience hearing a mother at the end of her labor pushing her baby out. i could hear her grunts and screams and then finally, a little baby's voice crying;  it was an inspirational soundtrack. that little part of you that thinks "oh, if she can do it, then i can do it"

mile markers are also mental; reminding you how far you have come and therefore urging you on....at one point i asked the midwife, "when is that part that everyone says is so hard...'transition'?" and she responded "oh, you're in it right now". knowing that immediately gave me a mental boost to keep going.

another parallel for me, was how each task seemed conceptually impossible before actually doing it. "my uterus will do what?" "how many miles exactly is a marathon?" but somehow you end up doing what seemed so impossible...and then the only way you conceive of doing it again is by forgetting just enough of your experience, and knowing that because you did it before, you can probably survive doing it again.

but to be honest, there isn't really anything that compares.

little m's birth story:

my due date was july 3rd and i had an appointment that day for a check up. in the weeks prior i had not had any interest in knowing how dilated i was. i had read that ones dilation before labor began was not truly indicative of anything (women could be 3 cm dilated for weeks before going into labor, or not dilated at all a few hours before delivering a baby) but on this day i was curious enough to find out. the midwife warned me that by merely checking, she could instigate some contractions, and i was fine with that.

3cm dilated (not very interesting) and 70% effaced (interesting!) i left the birth center knowing that this process i had been waiting for and reading about had started, and even in the car ride back from the birth center that afternoon, i started having contractions.  all afternoon those contractions were sporadic, sometimes over an hour or two apart, sometimes only 20 minutes apart but they definitely felt different from the braxton hicks contractions i had been feeling for months.

at about 8:30 pm that night erk and i decided to take a walk around the neighborhood. neither one of us brought a phone or watch or any other device to keep track of time, but it seemed to me that the contractions were becoming more regular, lasting for longer periods of time and because we had been out for over an hour, i was convinced that it was possible i had reached the 4-1-1 point our birth class had us trained to remember (when the contractions were 4 minutes apart, lasting 1 minute long and the whole cycle had taken place for 1 hour, indicating it was time to call/go to the birth center)

so i called, and the midwife on duty asked, "is this your first?" as if to say "are you over-anxious and don't you know first timers take forever anyway?" she assured me i had time. suggested that i download an app to keep track of the contractions, that they needed to be really regular and timed and that maybe i was being too active and that i should try and eat something and get some rest. when those contractions were truly four minutes apart, lasting for a minute in a cycle of at least an hour, then i should call her back.

ok, once the app was downloaded i sent erk to bed. i knew i could handle this early stage without him and that i would really need him rested for the harder work ahead. (i also know that when he is tired he is grumpy and when he is grumpy he is, himself, a large baby)

so i ate and i tried sleeping at around 10:30 pm using erk's phone to keep track of my contractions. i only slept for nine to ten minutes at a time because the contractions kept waking me up. at about 1am i was no longer trying to sleep, but trying to keep myself busy (catching up on email correspondence) while managing the now more intense, longer-lasting contractions (i had now established a favorite position to labor in: kneeling over that big red exercise ball i bought in college before i knew it was called a "birthing" ball by pregnant women). a little before 2:30am the contractions were sometimes lasting over a minute even though they were not consistently four minutes apart (sometimes six, sometimes three) but they were getting painful enough that i knew i was ready for help. i first called the birthing center "you want to come in and have us check you? ok, just give us an eta so we can be ready to send a nurse to let you in" i could tell she still wasn't convinced.

then i went to wake erk up.  he wasn't convinced either. "are you sure? already? what time is it?" he asked half asleep; he was also convinced that i was just being over anxious, but as he began to wake up more , he saw the look of certainty on my face. "i'm sure. it's time" and as i said the words i got so overwhelmed that i started to tear up; from excitement, from fear, from anticipation...not knowing that this was the beginning of a week-long roller-coaster ride of emotions.

erk popped out of bed, we grabbed our things and got into the car. the drive to the birth center was easy. there was no traffic, but some of the contractions were so intense i asked erk to stop the car until they had passed. i don't know why exactly, it was like, the world stopped during those contractions, or i was trying to make it stop...im not sure. we arrived just past 3am. a nurse came to open the door for us and i remember saying, "nice pants" before having the longest contraction of my whole labor. they were nice pants.

the midwife on call quickly checked me in the room she had ready for us.  only 4cm dilated - i was a little disappointed, i was sure i was much further along than that, everything was already so intense! she asked if i wanted to try laboring in the jacuzzi tub. i had been looking forward to this feature at the birth center. they say that the water and the jets are like a natural anesthesia. my experience was a little different. my first contraction in the tub was so uncomfortable. where was my exercise/birthing ball?! i didn't like the position of my body in the tub at all, the midwife reminded me that in order to adjust to a new position you should allow your body to have more than one contraction there. but i felt ready to puke. by the third contraction erk was in fact holding a puke pan out for me to puke into, which i did, successfully. before the fourth contraction i was ready to get out of the tub. i didn't care if it would get better, i wanted to be back on the ball.

sometime soon after, my midwife got switched out for another midwife. apparently there were more women having babies that night than anticipated, and so julie had been called in. i had only met julie earlier that day but had been meaning to meet her for months. i had taught her son and knew of her, but hadn't actually met her until a few hours before when she jokingly said "maybe i'll see you later tonight" here we were.

i had become dependent on erk to apply pressure to my lower back through each contraction, (another reason i didn't like the tub; i couldn't get his help the same way) but at a certain point even erk's full weight into my back wasn't enough.  julie suggested the pelvic squeeze we had learned about in class. it was amazing how helpful it was, until it wasn't, and i soon needed even more. for the next contraction both he and julie were doing the pelvic squeeze together; one on each side of my body pushing toward each other.  with each contraction it was as if they were literally making room for the baby to move down. (proof that they were literally moving my bones came days later when my hips felt bruised from all the pushing, but it was worth it at the time)

in all honesty, it's all kind of a blur, but i remember a couple of other key details.
1. at a certain point i said aloud "why do people do this without drugs?! why am i doing this without drugs?!!" (but the truth is, if i did it again, i would do it the same way- no drugs, in part because i now know what to expect)
2. at another point i asked erk to count through my contractions. not down...(i had no idea how long each would last). just up. he thought this was incredibly odd and he seemed embarrassed/hesitant every time i asked him, until once between contractions i angrily insisted, "don't make me ask you every time, just f*$#@g count!" (i was not feeling embarrassed or hesitant) and sort of like making him stop the car on the way to the birth center, i have no idea why this was helpful. it seemed to facilitate my concentration through each contraction.
3. close to the end two interesting things happened. i used a birthing stool through a couple of contractions which led to my water breaking...what a weird sensation! and i was so HOT that erk was putting ice cold cloths on my head and back and somehow it never felt like enough to cool me down. my body had never gotten so hot/worked so hard in it's life...

right before it was time to push i remember asking julie, "how will i know when it's time to push? will you tell me?" and she assured me i would know...i would have no choice but to push, my body would just do it. and she was right.  three intense pushes that i was sure were ripping my body in half and little m was almost out. in fact julie said, "wally (she didn't call him erk...or wally...) there's your baby's head, do you want to feel it? he was fascinated and said "yeah!". then i was asked; "no i don't want to feel it! i want to finish!"

and then came the hardest part (conceptually). they call it the ring of fire, but i didn't experience that exactly (or i don't remember) but when the baby is crowning a common practice to avoid both an episiotomy and/or any tearing is to wait a moment so that you use the baby's head to stretch you sufficiently before those last pushes. right when i was almost done julie said "ok, don't push" and my response was "are you kidding?!!" she had just told me i would have no choice but to push when it was time to push, and my body was telling me to push and my brain was telling me to push (so that it would be over) but she was telling me not to...it was probably only a moment but it felt like an eternity.

finally i got the ok to continue and then came that last push and her head quickly followed by the rest of her body came out.

at 5:34am on thursday july 4th little m was born.

the next part is not my favorite part of the story, but it's one of the most important parts, because it was something i was totally unprepared for.

i had been told that labor was hard (although i didn't know what that meant until i did it) but that after all that hard work, when your baby came out all the pain would disappear and you would become almost magically in love.

i did not have that experience.

i had never been in shock before so it took me some time to realize that that was what had happened. i had done so much reading about the wonders of childbirth that i had failed to recognize it as a trauma. (a beautiful trauma! but a trauma nonetheless) because my labor was so fast, i think it made the experience that much more intense; there was no time to process each thing that was happening as it happened.

for those first 24 hours i was not in love with little m. (i feel comfortable sharing that because i am so bananas in love with her now, but at the time it was terrifying.) "well, i like babies, so i am sure i will like this one" i tried to rationalize with myself. but the truth was that i was devastated to not have that love hormone instantly kick in, that feeling of being a MOM. what made the feeling both more prevalent and more bearable was witnessing how instantly erk fell in love with little m. on the one hand it brought to my attention the lack of feeling i had in contrast, but as i said, i was still in shock and i think it also helped ground me back into reality. it slowly started to sink in...we made a person.... what an unbelievable concept. and every day since i have fallen more madly in love with her.

(un)consciousness

i have been having awful dreams about little m. so awful i tell erk just to get them out of my system, but then never think about or mention them again. even when i am awake i worry about all the horrible things that can go wrong. what if i fall down the stairs while holding her?

already i am trying to find an equilibrium between keeping her safe and me sane. i have this unbearable urge to hold her in my arms and never ever let go (although this urge might not be as much about keeping her safe, as it is about finding her so delicious and irresistible.)

slowly we are learning to strike that balance.  she no longer falls asleep in my arms, but rather, lying solo in her crib. she has also begun to sleep in her own room through the night rather than beside our bed (although, my favorite time of day is still when she wakes up at 5am and i bring her to bed with us to feed her and snuggle her back to sleep.)

i am reminded once again of the umbilical cord,  and how many times it must be cut and re-cut through our lives. while little m no longer physically lives inside my body, sometimes i feel as though she does, like the phantom pain of an amputee. despite having become a separate being she still relies on my body for food, and therefore survival, and i suppose in some way that feeling appears to be mutual. but with every amazing development, comes more separation. and just as birth itself is an incredible joy, it is also an unbelievable trauma.

amazing how such a little person can break your heart while simultaneously making it whole for what seems to be the very first time.

thanks, charlie

i am certain that i jinxed myself last night before going to bed when i joyfully exclaimed "i think i've been sleeping much better since buying this pillow!" (in reference to a pillow the length of my body; able to simultaneously support my head, ever-growing belly and the alignment of my legs and hips by fitting in between them)

it's not even a real maternity pillow, it's just a cheap ($10) thing i got from target for even cheaper ($5) because it was the last one, and it was slightly damaged - i love negotiating prices...

anyway, even erk agreed with me; "you have been sleeping better," he said.
and at first i wasn't sure if he was joking - since he sleeps through the night when i wake up a thousand times, but then i realized his sincerity. even with his eyes still closed he knows when i get up to use the bathroom at 2, 3, 4 in the morning, can feel the labor-intensive, whale-like shift of my body from my right side to my left when, previously, it involved me re-situating two to three pillows to now perform the function of this single $5 one.

or maybe it was the comment to my sister earlier today that jinxed me. she was asking whether it was as hot in philly as it was in new york - yes, hot and humid and gross. i explained that erk was in the process of installing central air into our home, but that it wouldn't be ready for a while because it's kind of an enormous job; and not only is he one man working alone, but he's never done it before - something i admire tremendously about him; he is fearless in his home-improvement endeavors, and either knows everything, or is incredible quick to learn it.

"in the meantime," i told my sister, "we use the ceiling fans, which are enough". we only really need the air for those three days out of the year that are suffocatingly hot. you know the days you feel like you can't breathe or move? oh, you might not know what i am talking about because you have air conditioning...but i never have, and every year for the past several there are three or four days that the air is so thick and heavy it feels as though it literally slows down the movement of your limbs - like walking through a room full of honey...

either way, i felt jinxed, because two and a half hours after falling asleep i woke up to the discomfort of the heat beneath me. you know that expression, "a bun in the oven"? referring to a baby in a woman's womb? it's because her body is like an oven, working overtime, it heats up to "cook" this little life-form into being.  and indeed that heat was also cooking the bed beneath me, making it incredibly uncomfortable to fall back asleep, but i managed.

an hour and a half after that i was up again, but this time jolted awake with my own exclamation of pain. i have had leg cramps during this pregnancy before, but always minor, ones that went away by shifting the position of my leg, perhaps flexing my foot...i have even had awful leg cramps before pregnancy, where i needed to physically grab my foot to force a flexed position to allow the cramp to stretch itself out. but this cramp felt very different. not only was the force of this muscle contraction acute and STRONG, but when i instinctively tried reaching for my foot to stretch it out of me, i couldn't grab it. being pregnant has limited some of my movement, being able to reach my feet from any position is one of those ways...

not only did erk wake up enough to understand my incoherent explanation of the noise i was producing, but even the dog came running into our room concerned by the disruption of quiet in the house.  after about 30 seconds of erk stretching and massaging my leg, it passed. the cramp and the pain were gone. but i was unable to fall back asleep, so i found myself here - writing.

i can't help but think this is all meant to be helpful preparation. the sleepless nights to prepare for the patterns of a newborn baby; the new kind of leg cramp a hint into an early labor contraction. not necessarily the same physical sensation - but just the idea of a new kind of pain/experience of my body doing things it has never done before - and most definitely my needing erk more than i ever have and in ways i cannot yet imagine. or maybe it was just hot and i got a charlie-horse.

delayed hearing

the other day my grandmother-in-law said something to me that many people have told me;

something that i already knew, 

but for some reason.... had never really heard until now. 

she said, "take care of yourself, because when you take care of yourself you are taking care of the baby"

i think that before that moment i had always interpreted that advice as "don't play soccer pregnant" or "don't get drunk while pregnant" or "don't drive angry while pregnant" and not that any and all of those things aren't true as well, but i suddenly understood it to mean more. like, "treat yourself to things because the happier you are, the happier the baby will be"

and the moment that i had that thought, i realized that it did not only apply to pregnancy but for the rest of my parenthood.  we are so very much a product of our environments, and as kids our environments are 90% our parents. i realized that the happier i was, the better it would be for my kid, both while it is in my body, but also just as much when it is out of it too. 

 here is my baby "environment" growing at a steady rate...

becoming a mom

yep,
its official. i am 13 weeks pregnant.
now does it all make sense? my complaining about being tired and sick? my dad's comment on the last post about some information missing? (thanks for not blowing up my spot, dad)

i am extremely excited, happy, and ready

but let me be honest - these first 3 months have been pretty miserable. i know i will feel differently when i actually HAVE a baby, but that seems far away from now and despite being the size of a plum or a peach, this baby still feels more like an abstract idea rather than a real thing.

the only reality i had the first ten weeks was being exhausted and getting dirty looks from the nurses at my school when i would go to their office in the middle of the day to take a nap. "are you feeling ok?" "have you gone to see a doctor?" were some of the questions they would ask...i was hoping the the fact that they are both women and one of them is pregnant (!) that they knew and would just let me sleep...

more reality was being nauseous ALL the time. no not just in the "morning" but at any point of the day i could suddenly gag and vomit may or may not follow. lovely.

and while i am ready to grow a baby and all that that entails, right now my stomach doesn't look like i'm pregnant, i just look like i haven't done any exercise in a while and am putting on weight (which, is actually true).

despite this list of complaints, i am fully aware of what a miracle it is, and how lucky i am to in fact BE pregnant. i think i was just assuming that my pregnancy would mirror my sister's (she loved being pregnant, felt great through all three of her pregnancies and talks about how she would love to be pregnant again!)

i think it's also hard to feel sick and not be able tell anyone why. it's been so nice to finally be able to share the news with people and have their reactions become part of the reality too. people's enthusiasm has been lovely.

and the first time i went to visit a midwife at the bryn mawr birthing center (a topic that requires its own post) and got to hear a heart beating in my stomach...that was pretty amazing and made me cry. that was the moment it was really, really real. i'm growing a baby in there.