new year

this picture is anticipation
it can make me feel hopeful and calm, but also anxious
out of this big vast, blue ocean, so easy to get lost in, i am about to emerge
guided by a band of people who love me, and people whom i also love
i don't want to take that for granted...i am lucky to have these people and others

but the water was warm that day and the air was not. 
i knew that when i got out i would be much colder than i was when i was carried by the waves, just letting my body, with another little body inside of me, be weightless
so often i feel heavier than i am, carry more than i have,
want,
or am able to

i like making new years resolutions, despite rarely sticking to them
this year i want to jump in more oceans
want to remember to just enjoy the moments i have in the moments i have them - so easy to get lost in the past and the future.
want to never take for granted those people on the shore helping to guide me - let them catch me with big open arms
and like my four year old taught me: remember to put my brave in front of my scared

two birds

i have been meaning to post little j's birth story, but i just haven't gotten around to doing it yet...i know i will eventually write it all down in some combination of what actually happened and my memory of it.

for now i wanted to acknowledge this evening - exactly a month after little j came into this world.

so difficult to imagine - the idea of "coming into the world"
where was he before that? little m always asks when looking at older pictures,"where is junot?"
the idea that "he didn't yet exist" is too hard to grasp for her - and for me

we are so lucky to have him now

tonight is also the evening before my fourth wedding anniversary
i had thought about planting little notes all over the house like i have done in years past; in secret places i knew erk would go to throughout the day; inside the coffee press, in the fridge by the cream cheese, on the seat of his truck. somewhere i would leave a more substantial card, maybe a gift

while i thought about doing something similar again this year, it was only a thought. i never got around to doing it...for now the "thought" is what will count.

i have learned that there is value in sharing one's thoughts
so here they are, right before i head off to bed exhausted

erk, i love you.  i am so grateful that we met when and where we did. i love the story of how we met. i love the story we are writing together now.
i love that when we were sitting all together reading books before bedtime this evening m yelled out, "family book time!"

here's to many more chapters

happy birthday to me

i woke up at 3:30am.  ever since having little m i have become an incredibly light sleeper who, like an old lady, gets up to pee in the middle of the night. some nights i can fall back asleep but most nights i can't - at least not for a few hours.

i try to stay as "asleep" as possible  to facilitate myself going back. sometimes, even if i make it all the way to the bathroom and back with my eyes closed, i still can't fall back asleep.

so i came downstairs and began my middle-of-the-night routine which starts with me putzing around on the internet and will eventually end with me going back to bed with a book.

what makes this night different from all other nights? there was a certain almost secretive satisfaction i got from being alone and remembering it was my birthday. despite birthdays always being important, they seem to hold a new meaning ever since witnessing the birth of my own daughter.

there is a simple "thank you" that i feel compelled to send out into the world today and every day. but i will start with today.

not as little, little m

several things occurred to me as i woke up to the sound of my daughter calling out in her sleep.

1. it is less than two hours before the moment marking the precise time of her birth two years ago.

2. i continue to hear every sound she makes when we are both sleeping

3. from one moment to the next she became the single most important thing in my life

4.  next week will be the longest time i have ever been away from her.

5. she is so big!

i feel like one of those old ladies who laments, "oh where does the time go?"
it's these milestones that bring us pause and reflect on that fleeting arrow of time. where are we going and where have we been? i am so grateful to this little munchkin for being the love of my life. thank you erk for making me a mom and for being on this parental/life journey with me.

happy international women's day

                                            

now, any time a song comes on she starts to bounce to the beat.
now, any time a song ends she asks for "más" while doing the sign language gesture for "more"

its as if she learned to love dance while still in utero; learned to move with the music when i danced around a room and her infant body, in fetal position, thus danced inside of me

now sometimes she calls me over to the dance floor.
bending down to the ground she touches it with her index finger as if to say "dance right here"

other times she is oblivious to her surroundings; makes no request for any dancing partners.
she just gets lost in the rhythm and in her body's own movement.

i love witnessing those moments even more than i love dancing with her

it's funny to have a daughter that looks so unlike me.... her light eyes, light hair, pale skin....her colors are all from her father; making me look like a beloved babysitter.

there are few things that one can point to and say "she gets that from her mom".

i like to think her love of dance is one of them though

for now i am so proud of this little person, and am in awe of the idea that she will one day be a woman.

in recognition of international women's day i honor all women, the women in those women's lives and the women who are yet to be.

a year

i woke up this morning to the sound of m waking up.
for the past year my body has been irreversibly linked to hers, waking when she wakes, sometimes a moment before in anticipation.

exactly a year ago today little m entered this world
a year ago that i was pregnant and ready and not ready for everything to begin.

someone recently asked me, "so, has your life changed since having a kid?" and i laughed.
it feels like a different life altogether.

we will celebrate m's birthday today. the day that her life began, along with this new one of ours.

*photo credit gianluca vassallo

life is good

last week little m experienced her first snow storm.

as we walked (well, i did most of the walking) around the neighborhood and enjoyed the kind of muted world that can only be created by a thick blanket of snow, our other senses were free to explore without the interruption of sound.

the air was crisp and fresh. m was in something of a trance looking at the familiar sights around our neighborhood disguised in white. every time a snowflake hit part of her face (the only bit of skin exposed) she would gently close her eyes. it was as if she was savoring that ethereal moment right before the flake would melt against her skin.

that short walk was incredibly satisfying; even soul soothing.
then a week later i had a similarly euphoric moment

this time i was without little m. she was at home with erk (thinking about that alone makes me happy. seeing erk be a father to m is incredibly...satisfying(?) in this primitive sort of way...)

anway

i was at  longwood gardens for their special christmas display. the pictures online don't do the experience any justice.  the arrangements of plants inside the conservatory and the lighting displays hanging on and from the trees outside the conservatory are breathtakingly beautiful, even magical.

as i thought about when m would be old enough to enjoy all the lights and run down the gardens' extensive pathways i was literally "over"joyed. something about the fresh air, the beauty all around me and thinking about all the other moments our future would be made up of made me so incredibly happy.

as the remarkably successful company says: life is good

being myself

since becoming a mom a variety of things have changed in my life
i do not wake up without panicking first "did i fall asleep holding the baby? is she in my arms?, oh, she's in her crib (where i put her)"
i now know where all the loudest creaks are in the floor of our house
i sleep more than i used to
i am more tired than i have ever been
my hair is falling out at a rapid pace
i am the most out of shape/weakest i have been in over a year
i am the thinnest i have been in over a year (thank you thyroid problem)
when i wake up in the morning i cannot open my left hand with out prying it open with my right (thank you thyroid problem)
the bagels in my freezer are now competing with breast milk for real estate
there is a breast pump or one of it's parts always out on the kitchen counter
getting in and out of the car takes approximately three times longer than it did before
i used to know how to put a baby to sleep, now with my own, i have no idea
any mundane movement or activity can quickly become a one woman show (like when i was trying to get a duffel bag, the baby and the two dogs out of the car after parking too close to a tree, making it difficult to open the door of the car sufficiently wide to get the car seat out, and tricky to detach my hair every time it got caught in one of the low branches....but it made me think of the movie towheads and i was able to laugh it off....despite my annoyance at the woman watching the show from her stoop who neither offered to help nor paid for her ticket)
my hormones are more out of whack than they have ever been (and if you know me, you must be thinking "how much worse could they get?" the answer is "a lot...")
the list of things that make me cry have grown to now include:
anything if directly after or during a 1 plus hour of "trying to put the baby to sleep" session
thinking about the people little m will never get to meet
the smile little m can produce that relieves whatever stupid thing i'm frustrated by
thinking about any and all future life events for this little babe;  marriage, graduations, first accordion recital...whatever , i will cry at all of it.

delayed hearing

the other day my grandmother-in-law said something to me that many people have told me;

something that i already knew, 

but for some reason.... had never really heard until now. 

she said, "take care of yourself, because when you take care of yourself you are taking care of the baby"

i think that before that moment i had always interpreted that advice as "don't play soccer pregnant" or "don't get drunk while pregnant" or "don't drive angry while pregnant" and not that any and all of those things aren't true as well, but i suddenly understood it to mean more. like, "treat yourself to things because the happier you are, the happier the baby will be"

and the moment that i had that thought, i realized that it did not only apply to pregnancy but for the rest of my parenthood.  we are so very much a product of our environments, and as kids our environments are 90% our parents. i realized that the happier i was, the better it would be for my kid, both while it is in my body, but also just as much when it is out of it too. 

 here is my baby "environment" growing at a steady rate...

playing the game

what is the game?
assigning and giving out grades to my students

i never had grades until i got into highschool and college, and after that i never worked at a school that gave out grades

until now

and it's amazing how counterproductive it is for some of my students. they literally work ONLY for a grade - missing the whole step about learning...

and i don't remember how much i cared or didn't care when i was in school (about the actual learning part) i don't think i cared...and i turned out alright...

but man is it frustrating to be part of a system that you are trying to work against...

graduation

my little brother graduated from college this past weekend. despite always being too long and a little too boring, there is something that i very much enjoy about graduations - about any of these markers we create to acknowledge a period of time or an achievement; moments to pause and reflect.

as cliche as it sounds, it felt like only yesterday that we went to that same little brother's high school graduation. and i remember getting teary-eyed (easy for me) when the keynote speaker talked about all the potential of the graduates.

potential is an interesting thing. it can mean nothing or it could mean everything. it's only one of many ingredients that makes up a person's future. while this more recent commencement speaker did not mention potential per se, he talked about not being afraid to fail - about seizing those moments of perceived failure and recognizing them as opportunities to grow and learn about oneself; opportunities to let go of preconceived notions and allow yourself to recreate your path or even your goals.

funny that we don't always stop to think about these things on our own. sometimes it takes a large group of people, dressed up in robes and funny hats to get us to sit and reflect on our own potential achievements and failures.