reflection on pregnancy

this is my third, and probably last, time i will experience this...what i consider to be kind of magical/miraculous thing called pregnancy.

while i had a lot of time and energy to reflect on pregnancy the first time around, and less the second, this pregnancy has gone almost completely unacknowledged. over the course of these nine months i have finished my masters, been raising two children, working full/over time at school, choreographing my third musical, "west side story" (which i had no idea would be so challenging musically - choose any song from the show and try to count out the beats...) and been generally distressed about the state of the world and in particular our country. i have been busy...not only mentally, but physically and emotionally.

in the chaos of everything i suddenly realized that this experience of pregnancy would soon be over. and while the next stage - bringing a new person into the world - is also amazing/scary/potentially overwhelming, i wanted to stop and reflect on this part before its over.

things i won't miss about pregnancy

• leg cramps
• foot cramps
• varicose veins
• having to approach rolling from one side to the other in bed like a three-pt-turn: in stages
• not being able to take-off or put-on my shoes easily
• getting winded sooooo easily
• braxton hicks contractions for months
• not being able to have a looooong satisfying pee (all short, pathetic amounts) 
• the first three months of vomiting and feeling sick all. the. time.
• depression and guilt for depression
• anticipating labor/the unknown

things i will miss about pregnancy

• feeling a living being inside my body
• the attention/extra care from others/strangers
• being amazed at my body for how it is able to grow a human inside of it
• not feeling weird about having someone put their hand on my belly to feel the baby - feeling like it's not mine, but just something i get to share with the world
• having my four and one-year-old kiss my belly and talk to the baby
• prenatal visits to the birth center (an organization I love along with everything it stands for)
• extra foot rubs from erk
• anticipating labor/the unknown

i am probably less than two weeks away from delivering this baby and while there is still a lot to do before it arrives (would ideally like to get through the musical next week, report-writing, lesson planing etc) ultimately what i want to do more of during this time, is nothing but enjoy it. i want to take in this moment before the moment. i want to spend as much time appreciating my family before we transform from a 4-some to a 5-some. i want to be kinder to myself and stop to breathe and appreciate that within the chaos and sometimes devastation that is the world around us, life is a gift and creating it is a miracle.

birth story

i didn't really have time to think about the fact that i was having another baby.
i was busy raising the first one, working, going to school (i had a paper due 3 days after you were born that i had not yet completed when i went into labor)
on tuesday may 3rd i came home with m and my braxton hicks contractions felt different, but only slightly
when erk came home around 5 i said, "i think this baby is coming tonight"
i called bubby to let her know that we would probably need her to come over later and take care of your big sister when your dad and i went to the birth center, but i would confirm with her later.
we were making pizza that night. when i had a stronger contraction i would kneel on the floor of the kitchen in child's pose and your big sister would rub my back.
6:30/7 rolled around and i was more sure it was happening - had already contacted the midwife on call  to let her know we would probably be in later that night. i called your bubby to say that we wanted her to come over right away. we weren't sure exactly when we would have to leave, but were more sure it was happening that very night.
when she arrived the contractions were still not that long or close together, but they were progressing. after less than an hour i told your dad i wanted to go to the birth center
"really? are you sure? doesn't seem like your contractions are that frequent yet" was his response.
i was sure.
i asked him to grab your carseat from the basement and instead of just throwing it into the car, he installed it. i remember thinking that those extra 7 minutes (or however long it was) were an eternity and there was a sudden increase in intensity of my contractions.
we got in the car and drove.
we arrived to the birth center at 9pm and the midwife and nurse on call checked to see how i was progressing. they told us i was 4 or 5 centimeters dilated. i knew that this was not actually very helpful in determining how long it would take for you to be born based on my experience giving birth to your sister.
i couldn't find a more comfortable position to labor in during the contractions. i kept trying different things to see if it would hurt less; i leaned over a birthing ball,  over the bed - but i ended up just going back to some form of child's pose. i had your dad put pressure on my lower back during each contraction. i started yelling to press harder. the harder he pushed the more relief it provided me - which wasn't much - but was something.
i was lucid between contractions. not like i was with your sister.
i remember thinking and then saying aloud "it's going to get so much worse before it gets better" the thought sort of scared me because the contractions were already so intense. but they never lasted very long.
it was maybe 9:45 when the nurse informed me that i was already ten centimeters dilated and i could push when i felt ready. every contraction i had was stronger but i wasn't sure i wanted to push yet. i couldn't explain why, but i didn't push. between contractions i remember commenting on what a shame it was that it was happening so fast - i was looking forward to getting to know the nurse and midwife better.
they laughed.
another contraction came and my water broke.
i couldn't find a position that was comfortable, didn't know how i would get you out of my body.
the nurse suggested i try the birthing stool.
i sat on it for two very intense contractions. during each one i was told i could push if i wanted and i kept saying "i don't know, i don't know, i don't know"
the second contraction ended and i leaned toward my right, shifting the weight off of my left foot.
the nurse asked why i was sitting that way. i responded somewhat indignantly "it feels more comfortable" - was this or was this not MY birthing experience?
the nurse said rather firmly, "sit straight with both feet planted on the floor"
i did
and without any time to think about it, your little body started to make it's way down the birthing canal and i had no choice but to help push you out
within 3 or 4 seconds the midwife caught you with one hand - she didn't even have time to put on rubber gloves.
you came into the world at 9:55pm
i am told you came out peeing. i don't remember seeing that, but i saw you were a boy
my first thought was "what the hell am i going to do with all the girl clothes i have?" your aunt had a baby the week before - also a boy
you were crying/screaming and you didn't stop for three hours; your arrival was very sudden for you as well.
we spent that night in the birth center; your dad and i in the bed with you beside us in a little bassinet. we hadn't brought a pacifier with us so i slept (and didn't sleep) with my pinky in your mouth while you tried to rest from the day's events.
the next morning we went home and you met your sister and bubby before they went off to school.
it took you a long time to adjust to the world - any time you weren't sleeping you were crying for the first several weeks (very unlike your sister at that age)
but i loved you immediately and fiercely

and then there was (N)one

the funny thing about the following post is that i never had time to finish it...

"last week i posted about chasing after my dog when she almost ran away and about being one of two pregnant sisters.

while i have managed to still not lose my very active new dog, i have lost my status as one of two pregnant sisters.

i became an aunt (x5 for this branch of the family) one week ago. while this has helped to make a little more concrete what comes after this long period of pregnancy for me, i have to admit that the whole thing is still a little abstract. i haven't had a chance to meet my nephew because neither my sister nor i are in a great position to make the 2 hour trip to visit one another, but i have heard my sister's accounts of all things newborn - nursing, sleeping, process of labor, and it's starting to sink in - in a matter of days there will be another life in this house - in the world...

the concept is so big that i don't/can't really think about it.

but the nesting process has begun! erk and i spent all weekend working on the house. I spent most of this first day of "maternity leave" avoiding my school work and doing manual labor...."

...i meant to finish the post about that period right before having a baby. the anticipation of not knowing exactly when it will happen, and then....it happened.

that second day of maternity leave. and my son is now already a week old. and it's strange to say "my son" because i am not used to that idea. i want to reflect more but for now i just wanted to finish (or acknowledge my unfinished) post from just a week ago

life happens so fast

counting down

as i got off the phone this evening with my sister i said, "speak to you in another 12 hours" while it wasn't an agreed upon practice, we have been calling each other a lot this past week.

we are both getting so close to our respective due dates - hers only four days away and mine eleven - that it has made the anticipation of each baby that much more exciting but also that much more surreal.

i haven't had time to stop and think about the reality of adding another person to our family just days from now...between school and work, and our new dog.


oh did i mention that?

even though i have not consciously given this baby enough time, my body keeps trying to remind me with pangs of pain down my right side; the baby itself keeps reminding me with aggressive kicks and turns, "i'm coming! get ready!"

i am starting to hear you more now.
and whether i am ready or not (and chances are we won't be)
we'll make it work :)

sitting up and having faith

most of us know there are a thousand different things you are NOT supposed to do to a baby, and a thousand other things you are ALWAYS supposed to do, but depending on who you ask, these two lists may overlap. one of the things we chose to do with m was let her figure things out on her own. mostly how to move her body through space. specifically we never taught her how to sit.

i believe that our bodies are, for the most part, very efficient at finding ways of executing an action, and that (especially for babies) it does what it is ready to do, when it is ready to do it.  I had seen m's classmates propped up at her daycare with pillows and mats and eventually being left just to balance in a sitting position and watched as they fell flat onto their faces or onto their backs and wasn't convinced that this was an effective lesson. perhaps a good lesson on falling, but not on sitting.

so i asked her teachers to please not prop her up or try to sit her, to let her explore the floor on her back, and once she could roll, explore her belly. but to let her work things out on her own and avoid all the contraptions that strap a kid in and claim to help them "learn" how to move a certain way. even the director of the daycare asked me "so, how do you imagine your daughter will learn how to sit?" the question seemed so ridiculous that i started to doubt my answer..."she will find her way there when she is ready....(?)".

even m's (ex) pediatrician asked me if i had been sitting her up at her 6 month visit (when she was five and a half months old). when i said that i didn't do that (trying to explain the reasoning) she quickly interjected that i had to start sitting her up, otherwise she wouldn't get strong enough to develop the necessary muscles. despite all the information i was getting to the contrary, we stuck to our plan of not sitting m up. it was hard to not be tempted...maybe she could balance there now? all of her classmates had gone through their sitting/falling training and were sitting solidly now. she was the only one not sitting yet...

but she was doing other things. she explored the possibilities of her body against the floor. started to push up into planks, then started to get up on her hands and knees to rock back and forth. she developed an army crawl, a side lounge position, a side sit with one hand against the floor, and then very suddenly, three days ago she brought herself up to sitting, with no hands.

it was so exciting. she looked so big, but more than anything else, she looked accomplished - like she knew she had just crossed a major benchmark (maybe that's just my projection, but when she raised both hands in the air it looked like a celebration of achievement).  and once she did it, she couldn't stop doing it. she gets herself into a sitting position more and more everyday. and when the dogs come over to try and lick her in the face, sometimes she falls over, but more often than not she knows how to catch herself in that same position she taught herself before getting all the way up to sitting.

of course, there are instances in which a baby needs help organizing the movement of his/her body. but those are the exception, not the rule, and probably should be monitored by a professional therapist. and while i don't believe that it is wrong to "teach" a baby to sit - i don't think it is (in most cases) a necessity. it's not a race, eventually they will all find their way there.

birth story

toward the end of my pregnancy i became very interested in reading about labor. in particular i enjoyed reading different women's birthing stories.  learning about other people's experiences helped get me ready for my own.

so, i thought i would write little m's birth story both to join that chorus of hippy dippy moms that share these personal moments in an effort to create a community of supportive people, and also to simply capture the experience before time and the malfunctions of memory obscure or alter it.

i think the experience of labor could be compared to running a marathon in many ways. so much of the process is mental despite being so seemingly physical. i remember at about an hour into my birth center experience hearing a mother at the end of her labor pushing her baby out. i could hear her grunts and screams and then finally, a little baby's voice crying;  it was an inspirational soundtrack. that little part of you that thinks "oh, if she can do it, then i can do it"

mile markers are also mental; reminding you how far you have come and therefore urging you on....at one point i asked the midwife, "when is that part that everyone says is so hard...'transition'?" and she responded "oh, you're in it right now". knowing that immediately gave me a mental boost to keep going.

another parallel for me, was how each task seemed conceptually impossible before actually doing it. "my uterus will do what?" "how many miles exactly is a marathon?" but somehow you end up doing what seemed so impossible...and then the only way you conceive of doing it again is by forgetting just enough of your experience, and knowing that because you did it before, you can probably survive doing it again.

but to be honest, there isn't really anything that compares.

little m's birth story:

my due date was july 3rd and i had an appointment that day for a check up. in the weeks prior i had not had any interest in knowing how dilated i was. i had read that ones dilation before labor began was not truly indicative of anything (women could be 3 cm dilated for weeks before going into labor, or not dilated at all a few hours before delivering a baby) but on this day i was curious enough to find out. the midwife warned me that by merely checking, she could instigate some contractions, and i was fine with that.

3cm dilated (not very interesting) and 70% effaced (interesting!) i left the birth center knowing that this process i had been waiting for and reading about had started, and even in the car ride back from the birth center that afternoon, i started having contractions.  all afternoon those contractions were sporadic, sometimes over an hour or two apart, sometimes only 20 minutes apart but they definitely felt different from the braxton hicks contractions i had been feeling for months.

at about 8:30 pm that night erk and i decided to take a walk around the neighborhood. neither one of us brought a phone or watch or any other device to keep track of time, but it seemed to me that the contractions were becoming more regular, lasting for longer periods of time and because we had been out for over an hour, i was convinced that it was possible i had reached the 4-1-1 point our birth class had us trained to remember (when the contractions were 4 minutes apart, lasting 1 minute long and the whole cycle had taken place for 1 hour, indicating it was time to call/go to the birth center)

so i called, and the midwife on duty asked, "is this your first?" as if to say "are you over-anxious and don't you know first timers take forever anyway?" she assured me i had time. suggested that i download an app to keep track of the contractions, that they needed to be really regular and timed and that maybe i was being too active and that i should try and eat something and get some rest. when those contractions were truly four minutes apart, lasting for a minute in a cycle of at least an hour, then i should call her back.

ok, once the app was downloaded i sent erk to bed. i knew i could handle this early stage without him and that i would really need him rested for the harder work ahead. (i also know that when he is tired he is grumpy and when he is grumpy he is, himself, a large baby)

so i ate and i tried sleeping at around 10:30 pm using erk's phone to keep track of my contractions. i only slept for nine to ten minutes at a time because the contractions kept waking me up. at about 1am i was no longer trying to sleep, but trying to keep myself busy (catching up on email correspondence) while managing the now more intense, longer-lasting contractions (i had now established a favorite position to labor in: kneeling over that big red exercise ball i bought in college before i knew it was called a "birthing" ball by pregnant women). a little before 2:30am the contractions were sometimes lasting over a minute even though they were not consistently four minutes apart (sometimes six, sometimes three) but they were getting painful enough that i knew i was ready for help. i first called the birthing center "you want to come in and have us check you? ok, just give us an eta so we can be ready to send a nurse to let you in" i could tell she still wasn't convinced.

then i went to wake erk up.  he wasn't convinced either. "are you sure? already? what time is it?" he asked half asleep; he was also convinced that i was just being over anxious, but as he began to wake up more , he saw the look of certainty on my face. "i'm sure. it's time" and as i said the words i got so overwhelmed that i started to tear up; from excitement, from fear, from anticipation...not knowing that this was the beginning of a week-long roller-coaster ride of emotions.

erk popped out of bed, we grabbed our things and got into the car. the drive to the birth center was easy. there was no traffic, but some of the contractions were so intense i asked erk to stop the car until they had passed. i don't know why exactly, it was like, the world stopped during those contractions, or i was trying to make it stop...im not sure. we arrived just past 3am. a nurse came to open the door for us and i remember saying, "nice pants" before having the longest contraction of my whole labor. they were nice pants.

the midwife on call quickly checked me in the room she had ready for us.  only 4cm dilated - i was a little disappointed, i was sure i was much further along than that, everything was already so intense! she asked if i wanted to try laboring in the jacuzzi tub. i had been looking forward to this feature at the birth center. they say that the water and the jets are like a natural anesthesia. my experience was a little different. my first contraction in the tub was so uncomfortable. where was my exercise/birthing ball?! i didn't like the position of my body in the tub at all, the midwife reminded me that in order to adjust to a new position you should allow your body to have more than one contraction there. but i felt ready to puke. by the third contraction erk was in fact holding a puke pan out for me to puke into, which i did, successfully. before the fourth contraction i was ready to get out of the tub. i didn't care if it would get better, i wanted to be back on the ball.

sometime soon after, my midwife got switched out for another midwife. apparently there were more women having babies that night than anticipated, and so julie had been called in. i had only met julie earlier that day but had been meaning to meet her for months. i had taught her son and knew of her, but hadn't actually met her until a few hours before when she jokingly said "maybe i'll see you later tonight" here we were.

i had become dependent on erk to apply pressure to my lower back through each contraction, (another reason i didn't like the tub; i couldn't get his help the same way) but at a certain point even erk's full weight into my back wasn't enough.  julie suggested the pelvic squeeze we had learned about in class. it was amazing how helpful it was, until it wasn't, and i soon needed even more. for the next contraction both he and julie were doing the pelvic squeeze together; one on each side of my body pushing toward each other.  with each contraction it was as if they were literally making room for the baby to move down. (proof that they were literally moving my bones came days later when my hips felt bruised from all the pushing, but it was worth it at the time)

in all honesty, it's all kind of a blur, but i remember a couple of other key details.
1. at a certain point i said aloud "why do people do this without drugs?! why am i doing this without drugs?!!" (but the truth is, if i did it again, i would do it the same way- no drugs, in part because i now know what to expect)
2. at another point i asked erk to count through my contractions. not down...(i had no idea how long each would last). just up. he thought this was incredibly odd and he seemed embarrassed/hesitant every time i asked him, until once between contractions i angrily insisted, "don't make me ask you every time, just f*$#@g count!" (i was not feeling embarrassed or hesitant) and sort of like making him stop the car on the way to the birth center, i have no idea why this was helpful. it seemed to facilitate my concentration through each contraction.
3. close to the end two interesting things happened. i used a birthing stool through a couple of contractions which led to my water breaking...what a weird sensation! and i was so HOT that erk was putting ice cold cloths on my head and back and somehow it never felt like enough to cool me down. my body had never gotten so hot/worked so hard in it's life...

right before it was time to push i remember asking julie, "how will i know when it's time to push? will you tell me?" and she assured me i would know...i would have no choice but to push, my body would just do it. and she was right.  three intense pushes that i was sure were ripping my body in half and little m was almost out. in fact julie said, "wally (she didn't call him erk...or wally...) there's your baby's head, do you want to feel it? he was fascinated and said "yeah!". then i was asked; "no i don't want to feel it! i want to finish!"

and then came the hardest part (conceptually). they call it the ring of fire, but i didn't experience that exactly (or i don't remember) but when the baby is crowning a common practice to avoid both an episiotomy and/or any tearing is to wait a moment so that you use the baby's head to stretch you sufficiently before those last pushes. right when i was almost done julie said "ok, don't push" and my response was "are you kidding?!!" she had just told me i would have no choice but to push when it was time to push, and my body was telling me to push and my brain was telling me to push (so that it would be over) but she was telling me not to...it was probably only a moment but it felt like an eternity.

finally i got the ok to continue and then came that last push and her head quickly followed by the rest of her body came out.

at 5:34am on thursday july 4th little m was born.

the next part is not my favorite part of the story, but it's one of the most important parts, because it was something i was totally unprepared for.

i had been told that labor was hard (although i didn't know what that meant until i did it) but that after all that hard work, when your baby came out all the pain would disappear and you would become almost magically in love.

i did not have that experience.

i had never been in shock before so it took me some time to realize that that was what had happened. i had done so much reading about the wonders of childbirth that i had failed to recognize it as a trauma. (a beautiful trauma! but a trauma nonetheless) because my labor was so fast, i think it made the experience that much more intense; there was no time to process each thing that was happening as it happened.

for those first 24 hours i was not in love with little m. (i feel comfortable sharing that because i am so bananas in love with her now, but at the time it was terrifying.) "well, i like babies, so i am sure i will like this one" i tried to rationalize with myself. but the truth was that i was devastated to not have that love hormone instantly kick in, that feeling of being a MOM. what made the feeling both more prevalent and more bearable was witnessing how instantly erk fell in love with little m. on the one hand it brought to my attention the lack of feeling i had in contrast, but as i said, i was still in shock and i think it also helped ground me back into reality. it slowly started to sink in...we made a person.... what an unbelievable concept. and every day since i have fallen more madly in love with her.

(un)consciousness

i have been having awful dreams about little m. so awful i tell erk just to get them out of my system, but then never think about or mention them again. even when i am awake i worry about all the horrible things that can go wrong. what if i fall down the stairs while holding her?

already i am trying to find an equilibrium between keeping her safe and me sane. i have this unbearable urge to hold her in my arms and never ever let go (although this urge might not be as much about keeping her safe, as it is about finding her so delicious and irresistible.)

slowly we are learning to strike that balance.  she no longer falls asleep in my arms, but rather, lying solo in her crib. she has also begun to sleep in her own room through the night rather than beside our bed (although, my favorite time of day is still when she wakes up at 5am and i bring her to bed with us to feed her and snuggle her back to sleep.)

i am reminded once again of the umbilical cord,  and how many times it must be cut and re-cut through our lives. while little m no longer physically lives inside my body, sometimes i feel as though she does, like the phantom pain of an amputee. despite having become a separate being she still relies on my body for food, and therefore survival, and i suppose in some way that feeling appears to be mutual. but with every amazing development, comes more separation. and just as birth itself is an incredible joy, it is also an unbelievable trauma.

amazing how such a little person can break your heart while simultaneously making it whole for what seems to be the very first time.

delayed hearing

the other day my grandmother-in-law said something to me that many people have told me;

something that i already knew, 

but for some reason.... had never really heard until now. 

she said, "take care of yourself, because when you take care of yourself you are taking care of the baby"

i think that before that moment i had always interpreted that advice as "don't play soccer pregnant" or "don't get drunk while pregnant" or "don't drive angry while pregnant" and not that any and all of those things aren't true as well, but i suddenly understood it to mean more. like, "treat yourself to things because the happier you are, the happier the baby will be"

and the moment that i had that thought, i realized that it did not only apply to pregnancy but for the rest of my parenthood.  we are so very much a product of our environments, and as kids our environments are 90% our parents. i realized that the happier i was, the better it would be for my kid, both while it is in my body, but also just as much when it is out of it too. 

 here is my baby "environment" growing at a steady rate...

becoming a mom

yep,
its official. i am 13 weeks pregnant.
now does it all make sense? my complaining about being tired and sick? my dad's comment on the last post about some information missing? (thanks for not blowing up my spot, dad)

i am extremely excited, happy, and ready

but let me be honest - these first 3 months have been pretty miserable. i know i will feel differently when i actually HAVE a baby, but that seems far away from now and despite being the size of a plum or a peach, this baby still feels more like an abstract idea rather than a real thing.

the only reality i had the first ten weeks was being exhausted and getting dirty looks from the nurses at my school when i would go to their office in the middle of the day to take a nap. "are you feeling ok?" "have you gone to see a doctor?" were some of the questions they would ask...i was hoping the the fact that they are both women and one of them is pregnant (!) that they knew and would just let me sleep...

more reality was being nauseous ALL the time. no not just in the "morning" but at any point of the day i could suddenly gag and vomit may or may not follow. lovely.

and while i am ready to grow a baby and all that that entails, right now my stomach doesn't look like i'm pregnant, i just look like i haven't done any exercise in a while and am putting on weight (which, is actually true).

despite this list of complaints, i am fully aware of what a miracle it is, and how lucky i am to in fact BE pregnant. i think i was just assuming that my pregnancy would mirror my sister's (she loved being pregnant, felt great through all three of her pregnancies and talks about how she would love to be pregnant again!)

i think it's also hard to feel sick and not be able tell anyone why. it's been so nice to finally be able to share the news with people and have their reactions become part of the reality too. people's enthusiasm has been lovely.

and the first time i went to visit a midwife at the bryn mawr birthing center (a topic that requires its own post) and got to hear a heart beating in my stomach...that was pretty amazing and made me cry. that was the moment it was really, really real. i'm growing a baby in there.

dance again

so glad i had that ugly experience a couple of weeks ago at koresh, otherwise i would have never found my new favorite dance class.

for half the price, half the number of students and a half of an hour longer, i found a class that is monumentally superior to the class i was taking earlier this year. no disrespect to my former teacher, but she was not a dance educator. my new teacher is. she teaches at temple. in fact, a couple of her students were taking this non-temple class last night in an old church (which made me feel a bit like an old woman, but that's ok/true in the dance world). it made me miss my college dance classes; miss this more comprehensive approach to dance.

the language of a dance educator to describe movement is at times technical, and other times a series of comical analogies. this is the way i have grown to appreciate and understand movement; both in my own body and in other people's. i didn't realize that this was such a basic and fundamental part of what was missing from the classes at koresh.

this new class also kicked my ass- both physically and mentally (it's been a while since i have been asked to, "now try that whole combination on your left side" - so good for your brain and your body!)

hoping this is the first of many steps toward having dance become a more significant part of my life again.

keeping an open mind

for years i could not drink any tap water outside of new york city. i both took pride in this fact and was somewhat embarrassed by my snobbery. it wasn't that i was closed-minded to the idea...it was that my taste-buds were accustomed to a certain level of tap-water excellence. whenever i tasted something else, my body identified it as "gross"; even philadelphian water.  and then a funny thing happened.

i kept drinking the water in philadelphia and slowly grew to like it. i wondered if my standards had just fallen or my taste-bud-horizon had been broadened. i like to the think it's the latter, but even the former is ok. because the truth is - life is a little easier when you can enjoy a glass of water from your tap.

life lesson in a phrase

in talking with t the other day, she quoted something that stuck to me like crazy glue
"if you're hysterical, it's probably historical."

what does that mean?
if you find yourself very upset by a person or situation (like you get hysterical) your reaction probably has more to do with something else in your past, than with the present situation. this is true for even smaller kinds of "overreactions."

we already know this when thinking of our physical selves. usually people throw out their backs doing the smallest of movements (think of this as you getting hysterical).  typically we wear ourselves (our muscles and joints) out before that moment - the history of our bodies builds up to that crisis point.

here is to therapy (of body and mind) to preserve ourselves!

what is wrong with people?

i didnt know who jow paterno was until his name was all over the news (at least in PA).

i feel sorry for all the victims of pedophilia, but sorry too for the perpetrators, they are sick individuals with a horrible and very serious illness.

but i dont really want to talk about paterno, where responsibility does and does not lie in reporting abuse, that particular case at all, or  even about the abuse of children. i have been thinking specifically about our way of thinking about kids in regards to sex.

we live in a place and specifically a time when you cannot buy bikini bottoms without a top for a five year old because the expectation is for the five year old to wear a sexy top. what?

when i was a kid the boys and girls in my class would get dressed for gym in the classroom together. we would all strip down to our undies and put on our shorts and t-shirts. no one cared or made a big deal.

the camp i worked at used to have morning dips into the lake as a way of waking up. the dips were done in the nude. they stopped sometime in the 90's after finding out that someone across the lake was photographing the young naked children.

given the world that we live in, i am not suggesting that we still do naked dips at camp or use the classroom as a changing room for boys and girls up to 8 years old together. i'm saying that i think it's sad that we can't. that we are no longer able to give children that piece of their childhood that excludes self-consciousness in that way, sex in that way. kids should be allowed to just be kids.

marathon envy

every year, since the first year i watched the nyc marathon (2004) i have either ran the race myself, or been envious of the people that did. this year i am not only envious but PROUD of the various members of my familia, for taking on this incredible challenge. to my brother in-law (father of 4 yet found the time/energy/dedication to train) my brother (who is injured and under-trained, but crazy enough to do it anyway) my sister (two back surgeries and four kids later, is walking a race she has run in the past) and mama bear (who has never done anything athletic in her life, but as a 65 year old mother of 3 marathoners, was inspired and has been training with my sister to walk) GOOD LUCK! today is going to be a great day, and i'm excited for you, and excited to see you out on the course of one of the greatest races there is.

making babies

i just read an article erk sent me from the health section of the new york times entitled: one sperm donor, 150 offspring. it was unsettling.
the article argues that the lack of regulation in fertility clinics (in this country) has the potential to lead to a rapid spread of genes for rare diseases, and increased odds of accidental incest between half siblings. sounds ridiculous? so does the idea of having 149 siblings.
i am hesitant to share this, but i will -  i have always had a certain amount of discomfort with the idea of artificial insemination. i have both gay and heterosexual friends who for one reason or another have used it, and despite having a tremendous amount of love and respect for these friends, i never quite got it.
why not adopt a baby if you are unable to conceive naturally? there are plenty to adopt. easy for me to say - i have never tried to have a baby, and i suppose that if i did, and could without assistance i would be officially unauthorized to comment on the subject. much like i am now.

sesame place

after spending a couple of hours going on several slides, climbing up structures and getting soaked, i found myself on line for a ride that involved none of these things. more like a free-fall for kids, this ride requires you only to sit while you get lifted and dropped, along with your stomach that follows a couple seconds after the rest of your body.
like every other line at sesame place this one was half an hour long; enough time to observe all the other people on line. i spotted one woman in a wheelchair with a young child sitting on her lap. once i saw her i couldn't stop looking at her.
it took me a moment to realize that the girl was not sitting on the woman's lap because the woman didn't have a lap. her body ended under her rib cage. i kept looking again and again to make sure i had it right. it was difficult to tell where the limits of her body were because the lower-most part of her was wrapped in some kind of pocket. i imagined what kinds of things a person would need in such a pocket. what things her body could and couldn't do on its own (what kinds of bags and tubes must have been attached to her some way underneath her ribs).
the most impressive moment was when a towel fell off my sister's stroller and no one else was around to grab it. the woman reached for it from her chair, but was unable to get it. so she hopped out of her chair, scooped up the towel, returned it to the stroller again, and hopped back up to her seat. i use the word impressive because until that moment, there was this illusion of her body being complete. the position she was seated in made it appear that there was a lower half to her upper half. but when she got out of her chair, and you could see her entire body as a stump - that her arms were the only thing that could propel her, it left an impression.

not in seattle, but sleepless

i woke up at 2am. probably because i went to bed at 9pm, but also because i am sick again. my throat hurts and my body is achy. when is this shit cycle going to end? i did just buy a new mattress (arriving sunday!). i am hoping it will change my life (just the health part, i like all of the other stuff) because i am running out of expensive potential solutions.

amazed again

i remember pretty vividly when my sister gave birth to my niece.
she was so little and so beautiful and so perfect to me
being the first baby in the family was significant.
like any first, she was special. while i knew i would love all my other nieces and nephews i also knew she held a special place as the first.
i was totally in awe of her.
how did my sister do it? how did she grow a human being inside of her and then bring it into the world? it was my first time thinking and feeling so deeply about how life is created.

i thought about those first moments of awe when her brother was born four years ago and then again today when meeting her most recent, twin, siblings.

seeing TWO babies brought about a new awe. HOW did she do that one? create two whole perfections together? seeing them laying side by side i can't imagine how in the hell they fit/existed inside her body before that moment.

nature is really pretty amazing...

b-ball

basketball has become more important to me than it previously was.

as the assistant coach to the 7th and 8th grade girl's team this year, i don't need to know much about the sport (which is good because i don't), but i have become very emotionally invested in it. today i cried at the game, but i'll get to that in a moment.

even in watching the boys' games as a spectator i find myself cursing and cheering and throwing my hands up in the air at the injustices the refs allow. it's hard to resist not getting "into" it; not just the arguing of the bad calls, but the joy in watching these kids put their talent and hearts on the court as well. one player on the boys team is particularly pleasurable to watch. this 13 year old has so much talent it's sick. and not just talent, but finesse. his body was made for moving on a basketball court. watching him makes me want to learn how to play.

back to my crying (what?). the girls played such a good game tonight. on a court twice the size of the one that they normally play on, they maintained a lead the entire game. during the last quarter the situation grew more tense as the lead we had developed began to shrink. as assistant coach i tend to just mark the score book and throw out the occasional supportive comment to the players on the court. but today, without thinking, i walked over to the girls when the head coach had called a time out and said, "this is your game, don't let them take it from you". and i meant it. that game was theirs.

the final score was 31-30.
the other team won.
as i watched our girls come off the court all trying to hold in their tears, i couldn't help but shed one for them. good game, ladies.

caught

last night i went to the joyce to see david parsons. the company performed one of its most well-known pieces: caught.

this solo dance utilizes a strobe light impeccably times with the dancer's jumping and leaping to create the illusion that the he is floating in the air. the effect in person is sort of amazing. the video does it no justice because anyone can edit film to look like all kinds of things. believe me when i say this clip has not been edited to trick you (however, it has shortened a 6 minute dance into one minute) but this link is actually what the dance looks like in person.

the timing of the light and the dancer's movement is in fact incredible, but there is a trick. while watching last night i leaned over and told my friend what it was. i think she was pretty annoyed that i gave it away. the power of illusion is strong