happy 40th v

i have said this before
but you don't know what it's like to have a big sister
to have someone to look up to, model after, imitate
sometimes it was difficult to feel completely independent... growing up i wasn't sure if my thoughts were my own, or just some version of yours
i am excited for m to become a big sister, but more excited still for this little life that gets to have her as a big sister
people with big sisters are lucky
i am lucky not only to have you - but to be on this pregnancy trip with you. it's unbelievable!
looking forward to many more baby bump pictures, many more cousin bonding sleepovers, many more birth days and birthing days; more family and love love love
i love you, v

menchu

yesterday was a long day
it was the end of a long stretch of days
that have been busy and exhausting...the most busy and exhausting of my life thus far
i've had a lot of work
a lot of late nights
yesterday was my last late night of a workshop
last time leaving m in daycare till the very last minute
my last big paper for the semester handed in
last late night staying up to finish writing in a fit of anxiety (for now)
yesterday was busy

yesterday was also when i found out a colleague of mine, with my same name, lost her fight against cancer. a fight she had been in for 4 years.

she was the type of woman who left an impression on you. one of the kindest, most optimistic and enthusiastic people you have ever met.

yesterday i wanted to do something for her
i thought about adopting a dog - she loved animals
i decided to make my classes more fun. i changed the itinerary for the day to include more games, more exposure to culture and music. she was a master of inspiring a love and interest in language learning in her students. yesterday i wanted to be a better teacher for her.

i hope to hold onto that feeling in her memory. no matter how tired or sick i may think i feel - she is a reminder that there is always more to give.

the power of words

i was thinking about the progression of m's vocabulary which i inventoried and put into a post last february. i know it was six months ago, and six months is a quarter of her life yet i am still amazed at the rate that she learns new words and phrases every day.

while she progressively speaks more and more english over spanish (despite being home with me ALL summer and my speaking exclusively to her in spanish) there are certain things she only says in spanish like ¿hombros de mamá? which she asks as she's backing up into me with her elbows raised (a request to sit on my shoulders)

but there are other times when i remind her to say gracias to someone and she looks at me and says no, i say thank you. there is clearly a distinction in her mind between the two languages, but i am not sure how much.

some of my other favorite phrases:
you hear that? (as her hand is held up to her ear)
is that green? (about anything, mostly things that aren't green)
be careful mamá! (whenever she hears me use an exploitive - usually in the kitchen)
buster, come here! (as she smacks her leg and makes a fake whistling noise to the dog)
happy to you! (whenever it's someone's birthday - which she got to say this morning to her dad)

feliz cumpleaños erk, te queremos mucho. we don't say it enough.

happy birthday to me

i woke up at 3:30am.  ever since having little m i have become an incredibly light sleeper who, like an old lady, gets up to pee in the middle of the night. some nights i can fall back asleep but most nights i can't - at least not for a few hours.

i try to stay as "asleep" as possible  to facilitate myself going back. sometimes, even if i make it all the way to the bathroom and back with my eyes closed, i still can't fall back asleep.

so i came downstairs and began my middle-of-the-night routine which starts with me putzing around on the internet and will eventually end with me going back to bed with a book.

what makes this night different from all other nights? there was a certain almost secretive satisfaction i got from being alone and remembering it was my birthday. despite birthdays always being important, they seem to hold a new meaning ever since witnessing the birth of my own daughter.

there is a simple "thank you" that i feel compelled to send out into the world today and every day. but i will start with today.

not as little, little m

several things occurred to me as i woke up to the sound of my daughter calling out in her sleep.

1. it is less than two hours before the moment marking the precise time of her birth two years ago.

2. i continue to hear every sound she makes when we are both sleeping

3. from one moment to the next she became the single most important thing in my life

4.  next week will be the longest time i have ever been away from her.

5. she is so big!

i feel like one of those old ladies who laments, "oh where does the time go?"
it's these milestones that bring us pause and reflect on that fleeting arrow of time. where are we going and where have we been? i am so grateful to this little munchkin for being the love of my life. thank you erk for making me a mom and for being on this parental/life journey with me.

group hug

when we can, erk, little m and i try to sit down and eat dinner together. it doesn't happen often

earlier this week we sat down and enjoyed one such occasion. 

it was lovely. 

even little m agreed. 

at one point she looked at us, cocked her head to the side and spread her arms out as if she was awaiting an embrace

erk and i frequently initiate "group hugs" and so i asked her, "group hug?" and she nodded and smiled. it was the best group hug we've ever had.

a year

i woke up this morning to the sound of m waking up.
for the past year my body has been irreversibly linked to hers, waking when she wakes, sometimes a moment before in anticipation.

exactly a year ago today little m entered this world
a year ago that i was pregnant and ready and not ready for everything to begin.

someone recently asked me, "so, has your life changed since having a kid?" and i laughed.
it feels like a different life altogether.

we will celebrate m's birthday today. the day that her life began, along with this new one of ours.

*photo credit gianluca vassallo

10th anniversary of turning 21

it was my birthday a couple of days ago.
usually the anniversary of my being born generates a lot of anxiety for me - not because i am getting older (i don't think...but maybe?) or something to do with what i have and have not accomplished in my life, or maybe just because of the attention i do or don't get on that day. not sure.

this birthday felt different - relaxed; and although very hot and humid, also very enjoyable. part of the day was spent with family, the other part with friends. all of it with erk.

and because these landmarks are a good time to do so - i thought i would do an inventory of my year. but rather than listing places i went to (not that many) or world records that i broke (none) i thought i would do some more internal inventory. here is some of it:

i lived outside of new york for longer than i ever have before in my previous 30 years of life. it was a difficult adjustment full of frustrations: getting lost, cursing the philadelphia transportation department, feeling disconnected from my friends and family in nyc. but like any other transition, this one took time, and i think helped me grow.

my vocabulary also grew. i know more about plants and construction than i ever did before (this is of course relative to the fact that i knew nothing before) and in knowing more about these things, i have been more inclined to stop and notice them. the nicest ones to notice are the ones i looked at all the time but never actually saw.

i quit my job and found another one

i discovered for the first time how deeply i could fall in love.

grey hair

i have recently enjoyed finding grey hairs on my head and not because i read that a couple of years ago it was trendy for models to dye their hair grey, but because...i feel ready for them.

avocados

i recently discovered that my sister has a blog.

not my big sister - after resisting the idea of having a blog for several months, she now has two!
skip rip or play is a shared blog with friend and writer lindsey anthony; the two movie lovers review the latest and (sometimes) greatest films.
then 4321luckymamma is a personal blog, dedicated primarily to collecting quotes from any one of her four kids (apparently one of the 9 month old twins is already putting sounds together to make words, but i have yet to witness this linguistic miracle).

not the eldest of my little sisters - for several months i have been reading her personal blog la rubia liberal (the liberal blond). this blog is almost like a diary of her young adult life - reflections on herself, her environment, her feelings and thoughts on both. perhaps it's because of her age/this time period of her life, or perhaps it's because she's so damn mature - but her writing is like a map of her route into womanhood.

not my littlest of little sisters - she recently started a blog dedicated to "life on the beach". sort of like a collage, she arranges photos/videos/music into a montage of her own creation. this too serves almost as a time capsule. not only of our time but of hers - where she is in her life and what "strikes a chord" for her as a recently turned 12-year-old.

it was my middle-little sister, emi, whose photo blog i only very recently discovered. and although i knew she was a creative person and an excellent cook, i didn't know quite how talented she is. her photos are quirky,

with a great eye for angles/perspectives/voices.

and she loves avocados that's why it's the name of her blog. 

funny how much i have learned about people (even in my own family) through their blogs.

hands

i got a glimpse of my hands in the reflection of the subway door the other day and almost didnt recognize them. they looked familiar, but not like my own; more like my mom's. the veins in them show their strength and are incapable of hiding their age.

i liked it. i liked seeing myself in that reflection as both a little stronger and a little older, and a little bit like my mom. not sure if the michelangelo goes with the post, but i couldn't find any other images of hands that i liked...