reflection on pregnancy

this is my third, and probably last, time i will experience this...what i consider to be kind of magical/miraculous thing called pregnancy.

while i had a lot of time and energy to reflect on pregnancy the first time around, and less the second, this pregnancy has gone almost completely unacknowledged. over the course of these nine months i have finished my masters, been raising two children, working full/over time at school, choreographing my third musical, "west side story" (which i had no idea would be so challenging musically - choose any song from the show and try to count out the beats...) and been generally distressed about the state of the world and in particular our country. i have been busy...not only mentally, but physically and emotionally.

in the chaos of everything i suddenly realized that this experience of pregnancy would soon be over. and while the next stage - bringing a new person into the world - is also amazing/scary/potentially overwhelming, i wanted to stop and reflect on this part before its over.

things i won't miss about pregnancy

• leg cramps
• foot cramps
• varicose veins
• having to approach rolling from one side to the other in bed like a three-pt-turn: in stages
• not being able to take-off or put-on my shoes easily
• getting winded sooooo easily
• braxton hicks contractions for months
• not being able to have a looooong satisfying pee (all short, pathetic amounts) 
• the first three months of vomiting and feeling sick all. the. time.
• depression and guilt for depression
• anticipating labor/the unknown

things i will miss about pregnancy

• feeling a living being inside my body
• the attention/extra care from others/strangers
• being amazed at my body for how it is able to grow a human inside of it
• not feeling weird about having someone put their hand on my belly to feel the baby - feeling like it's not mine, but just something i get to share with the world
• having my four and one-year-old kiss my belly and talk to the baby
• prenatal visits to the birth center (an organization I love along with everything it stands for)
• extra foot rubs from erk
• anticipating labor/the unknown

i am probably less than two weeks away from delivering this baby and while there is still a lot to do before it arrives (would ideally like to get through the musical next week, report-writing, lesson planing etc) ultimately what i want to do more of during this time, is nothing but enjoy it. i want to take in this moment before the moment. i want to spend as much time appreciating my family before we transform from a 4-some to a 5-some. i want to be kinder to myself and stop to breathe and appreciate that within the chaos and sometimes devastation that is the world around us, life is a gift and creating it is a miracle.

new year

this picture is anticipation
it can make me feel hopeful and calm, but also anxious
out of this big vast, blue ocean, so easy to get lost in, i am about to emerge
guided by a band of people who love me, and people whom i also love
i don't want to take that for granted...i am lucky to have these people and others

but the water was warm that day and the air was not. 
i knew that when i got out i would be much colder than i was when i was carried by the waves, just letting my body, with another little body inside of me, be weightless
so often i feel heavier than i am, carry more than i have,
want,
or am able to

i like making new years resolutions, despite rarely sticking to them
this year i want to jump in more oceans
want to remember to just enjoy the moments i have in the moments i have them - so easy to get lost in the past and the future.
want to never take for granted those people on the shore helping to guide me - let them catch me with big open arms
and like my four year old taught me: remember to put my brave in front of my scared

some quotes by my little lady...

to her pediatrician who does house calls and she is slightly in love with him:
"do you bring your lunch to work? what color is your lunch box?"
with a sly grin:
"are you going to give my little brother a shot?"
as doc is leaving our house, awkwardly because he know's it's coming and never knows how to respond:
"bye doctor wood, i love you!"

when discussing her birthday:
"and i am getting a cousin for my birthday."
me in spanish- "oh yeah, max will be a big brother and you will get a cousin"
m: "well, babies come out when they are ready to come out, mamá"

after doing anything "wrong":
"sorry mamá! but you still love me, right?"

to her little brother when they are sitting at the table eating and he throws something on the floor:
"¡en la mesa junot!"
gives item back and helps him put it on the table
"gracias, muy bien"

when pretending to play store with me:
"will you pay this señora?" ("to pay" is synonymous with "to buy" but also "to ring-up")
"do you want another one? Here's another one. do you want this? well you can't have it, you have to leave some for eli" (i think it's funny when she uses our first names)

she has started taking an interest (it only took 4 years) in speaking spanish. but her oral abilities are way behind her comprehension, so she just calls out single words like when we are walking:
 "look, mamá, 'bicicleta!'"
or she has started repeating back things she hears on a regular basis but gets it slightly wrong:
"sí, no como" (should be: "sí, ¿como no?")
or, "te quiero más en el mundo mamá"
close enough.

in progress

while sitting at the dining room table, each of us on our devices studying, erk starts to read aloud about social cognitive theory, and i think he is making fun of me in some way, because it sounds like he is reading from the same text that i am

but he isn't. we happen to be reading about the same thing at the same time

and suddenly i realize how sort of crazy it is that we are both in school at this point in our lives (with two kids and two dogs and one job between us) and crazier still that despite his studying dentistry and my studying human sexuality they are both in the field of health and how crazy that is - that i never saw that similarity/overlap.

i know one day we will look back on this time - when we spent our evenings studying instead of watching a show together or endeavoring independently into our own hobbies, or going out dancing(!) , and we will think: those times were hard - good, but hard

but you need some hard times to fully appreciate the easier ones, and i don't want to ever forget that.

birth story

i didn't really have time to think about the fact that i was having another baby.
i was busy raising the first one, working, going to school (i had a paper due 3 days after you were born that i had not yet completed when i went into labor)
on tuesday may 3rd i came home with m and my braxton hicks contractions felt different, but only slightly
when erk came home around 5 i said, "i think this baby is coming tonight"
i called bubby to let her know that we would probably need her to come over later and take care of your big sister when your dad and i went to the birth center, but i would confirm with her later.
we were making pizza that night. when i had a stronger contraction i would kneel on the floor of the kitchen in child's pose and your big sister would rub my back.
6:30/7 rolled around and i was more sure it was happening - had already contacted the midwife on call  to let her know we would probably be in later that night. i called your bubby to say that we wanted her to come over right away. we weren't sure exactly when we would have to leave, but were more sure it was happening that very night.
when she arrived the contractions were still not that long or close together, but they were progressing. after less than an hour i told your dad i wanted to go to the birth center
"really? are you sure? doesn't seem like your contractions are that frequent yet" was his response.
i was sure.
i asked him to grab your carseat from the basement and instead of just throwing it into the car, he installed it. i remember thinking that those extra 7 minutes (or however long it was) were an eternity and there was a sudden increase in intensity of my contractions.
we got in the car and drove.
we arrived to the birth center at 9pm and the midwife and nurse on call checked to see how i was progressing. they told us i was 4 or 5 centimeters dilated. i knew that this was not actually very helpful in determining how long it would take for you to be born based on my experience giving birth to your sister.
i couldn't find a more comfortable position to labor in during the contractions. i kept trying different things to see if it would hurt less; i leaned over a birthing ball,  over the bed - but i ended up just going back to some form of child's pose. i had your dad put pressure on my lower back during each contraction. i started yelling to press harder. the harder he pushed the more relief it provided me - which wasn't much - but was something.
i was lucid between contractions. not like i was with your sister.
i remember thinking and then saying aloud "it's going to get so much worse before it gets better" the thought sort of scared me because the contractions were already so intense. but they never lasted very long.
it was maybe 9:45 when the nurse informed me that i was already ten centimeters dilated and i could push when i felt ready. every contraction i had was stronger but i wasn't sure i wanted to push yet. i couldn't explain why, but i didn't push. between contractions i remember commenting on what a shame it was that it was happening so fast - i was looking forward to getting to know the nurse and midwife better.
they laughed.
another contraction came and my water broke.
i couldn't find a position that was comfortable, didn't know how i would get you out of my body.
the nurse suggested i try the birthing stool.
i sat on it for two very intense contractions. during each one i was told i could push if i wanted and i kept saying "i don't know, i don't know, i don't know"
the second contraction ended and i leaned toward my right, shifting the weight off of my left foot.
the nurse asked why i was sitting that way. i responded somewhat indignantly "it feels more comfortable" - was this or was this not MY birthing experience?
the nurse said rather firmly, "sit straight with both feet planted on the floor"
i did
and without any time to think about it, your little body started to make it's way down the birthing canal and i had no choice but to help push you out
within 3 or 4 seconds the midwife caught you with one hand - she didn't even have time to put on rubber gloves.
you came into the world at 9:55pm
i am told you came out peeing. i don't remember seeing that, but i saw you were a boy
my first thought was "what the hell am i going to do with all the girl clothes i have?" your aunt had a baby the week before - also a boy
you were crying/screaming and you didn't stop for three hours; your arrival was very sudden for you as well.
we spent that night in the birth center; your dad and i in the bed with you beside us in a little bassinet. we hadn't brought a pacifier with us so i slept (and didn't sleep) with my pinky in your mouth while you tried to rest from the day's events.
the next morning we went home and you met your sister and bubby before they went off to school.
it took you a long time to adjust to the world - any time you weren't sleeping you were crying for the first several weeks (very unlike your sister at that age)
but i loved you immediately and fiercely

two birds

i have been meaning to post little j's birth story, but i just haven't gotten around to doing it yet...i know i will eventually write it all down in some combination of what actually happened and my memory of it.

for now i wanted to acknowledge this evening - exactly a month after little j came into this world.

so difficult to imagine - the idea of "coming into the world"
where was he before that? little m always asks when looking at older pictures,"where is junot?"
the idea that "he didn't yet exist" is too hard to grasp for her - and for me

we are so lucky to have him now

tonight is also the evening before my fourth wedding anniversary
i had thought about planting little notes all over the house like i have done in years past; in secret places i knew erk would go to throughout the day; inside the coffee press, in the fridge by the cream cheese, on the seat of his truck. somewhere i would leave a more substantial card, maybe a gift

while i thought about doing something similar again this year, it was only a thought. i never got around to doing it...for now the "thought" is what will count.

i have learned that there is value in sharing one's thoughts
so here they are, right before i head off to bed exhausted

erk, i love you.  i am so grateful that we met when and where we did. i love the story of how we met. i love the story we are writing together now.
i love that when we were sitting all together reading books before bedtime this evening m yelled out, "family book time!"

here's to many more chapters

the morning after thanksgiving

i was still in bed and heard the following conversation between little m.k. (2 yrs old) and big m.k. (6 yrs old)

little m.k.: "can i have a turn?"
big m.k.: "no you have to wait"
little m.k. "ok"...."can i have a turn now?"
big m.k: "ok, fine"
a moment later some tears and talk of a sore finger
little m.k.: "are you okay michaela? do you want a hug?"
big m.k. : "yes, ok"
quiet hugging...
big m.k. "you are the best little girl"

4/29/15

i never had a dog growing up, but always considered myself a "dog person"

i was so lucky to inherit such a loving dog like chloe and call her my own these past few years. 

she was a sweet sweet girl who was loved by many. 

we will miss her very much.

a pure joy

don't get me wrong, when she started shrieking in the target store because i didn't want to pick her up, the first word that came to my mind was not "joy"

i had given her the two totally reasonable choices of either going back into the shopping cart seat or continuing to walk but she insisted on "upa" like "uppie" except my back has been feeling "brokie" and it never gets better on account of my always picking her up.
so i was trying to be reasonable, but firm.
"these are your TWO choices...
(........except if you keep shrieking, then i will just give you that third choice you want to avoid further embarrassment in front of this target store community)".

i am trying to remember to mean what a i say and say what i mean, but it doesn't always work.

the more important lessons i am learning are about how to slow down and soak up the smallest moments. there are so many good ones

i thought writing some of them down would help:

1. watching m look over at her dad in total adoration and imitate the awkward way he lays down on the dining room floor next to him.

2. watching her 18 month old body bundled up with her gloves, hat and coat (that previously belonged to her mother over 30 years ago) waddle down the street as she calls out to the dogs ahead.

3. asking to hold the chaweenie dog and stroking him like a baby, trying to shush him to sleep.

4. pushing her play stroller around the house and making a "beeeep, beeeep, beeeep" sound anytime she moves in reverse

5. wondering where she is and finding her quietly looking at a book in her room snuggled up next to the dog.

6. listening to her name (by choosing one syllable in their name) all the people she recognizes from the photos on our fridge

7. hearing her laugh. hearing her laugh. hearing her laugh.

8. watching her feet dangle over the edge of the toilet seat as she requests the book "Slowly Slowly Slowly said the Sloth" which she over annunciates into, "Soooo Soooo Soooo"

9. finding her smiling in her crib almost every morning

10. letting her break my back.

as much as i want to avoid picking her up, i also can't resist having her face up against mine. talking to her. getting and giving kisses, and whispering sweet nothings.

mothers and daughters

she laughs frequently, loves to engage people, but when she is quiet, her face looks like it's in a scowl.

that furrowed little brow is one of concern (of anxiety?)
something bigger than she can articulate.
......she can only articulate about ten words

what do her thoughts look like....
without words?
what is that weight that she carries?

if i knew i would probably be able to fall asleep at night without running my fingers along my own brow - a physical cue to release the tension there.

maybe its coincidence,
perhaps its uniquely female,
or it could just be that without warning or choice, that is what she has inherited from me

group hug

when we can, erk, little m and i try to sit down and eat dinner together. it doesn't happen often

earlier this week we sat down and enjoyed one such occasion. 

it was lovely. 

even little m agreed. 

at one point she looked at us, cocked her head to the side and spread her arms out as if she was awaiting an embrace

erk and i frequently initiate "group hugs" and so i asked her, "group hug?" and she nodded and smiled. it was the best group hug we've ever had.

how long?

i got back from a weekend away from m last night

while i was away wondering about every little thing she was doing or not doing i also wondered how long it would take for her to not remember who i was.

surely after those three days she would still remember, but what about three weeks? three months? she is not yet a year old so even though she has a very clear idea of who i am now, her "lifetime" is short, so all time is relative to that.

everyone assured me she would never forget. that even if she forgot, she would then somehow remember.  and while i believe that in part to be true (that even the things we dont remember from our past are somehow kept somewhere deep in our brains in a place that we may not always be able to access completely or clearly) i also still wondered, how long until she would look at me blankly and wonder "who is that person?"

while she did indeed remember me when i came back from the weekend, she did have a funny reaction to seeing me. she went from smiling (something she does for everyone she sees in case she can get one in return) to a look of almost fear. she then looked over at her dad as if to ask for confirmation of something.

for the rest of the evening she preferred her dad over me and i thought "how nice for both of them"

as much as i love being an important person in m's life i enjoy watching her develop other relationships, most especially that one, even more. they are lucky to have each other. i am lucky to have them both.

one year

yesterday erk and i celebrated our 1 year wedding anniversary
we each took each other to a place the other had never been
exchanged cards
and acknowledged that our lives had changed dramatically in the three and a half years we have been together.
but no change has been as dramatic as the one that will take place in roughly four and a half weeks from now.

as i flipped through the "first" first anniversary gift i gave erk (when we were dating) i found a note in the front. the gift was a cook book entitled "the soup bible" and i had drawn an analogy between our relationship and a good soup - that the contrasting flavors created something delicious and that the longer the soup cooked for, the better the soup became.

here's to many more years and cooking projects; both literal and metaphorical.

love struck

sometimes i look at erk and i feel like i have those little floating cartoon hearts circling my head

an awesome day

hope we keep cracking each other up

marriage license victory

mood swings

it's hard to fully acknowledge one end of the swing when you are at the apex of the other.
but for now, i am delighted to not remember what being sad, upset or depressed feels or looks like.
i'm just enjoying the hell out of this up swing

big sisters

 a quote from a dan bern song entitled "oh sister":

And where would Willie Mays have been
Without Jackie Robinson?
And who can say what I'd been
Without you to lead the way

happy birthday to my big sister. i love you, lechuga

the stories inside the story

when i was ten years old my father called me into his office, along with my sister and brother, and told us he had an important question to ask. he wanted to move back to argentina, and felt that he needed our approval before leaving. after listing his reasons for moving he asked what we thought.  the first thing i said was "everyone will think i was abandoned."

he responded, "i don't care what other people think... i am asking you what you think"

even as a little kid i seemed so concerned with other people's perceptions of me that it inhibited my abilities to sort out how i, myself, felt. where did this preoccupation came from? perhaps it is the artist in me, looking for approval and validation from the audience.

erk and i had been acting out a lot of fake proposals (as seen above) while on vacation in san francisco (it started with planking pictures, and then naturally progressed into engagement-pose pictures.) so the fake proposals had been a long time coming and it both built up the anticipation of the real thing and ruined the possibility of it being a surprise. i even saw the box the ring was in in his underwear drawer weeks before he asked me. 

then on the night of roshashana (how very symbolic and jewish of us) when i was about 7 glasses of wine plastered, tired and dreading my 6am wake-up to go to work, eli asked me to leave the light on as i was heading into bed. i protested, saying i didn't have any energy, wasn't in the mood, and just wanted to go to sleep. he insisted and when i laid down he asked if i wanted to marry him.

i said "no" (standard part of our fake proposal routine) and he then asked if i was sure. i said of course i wanted to marry him, but if he was joking again, to fuck off (or something to that affect - i don't actually remember, as i said, i was drunk/tired). what i do remember is that he then gave me a nice, long kiss and while we were kissing, he put the ring in my hand, not on it. 

my first reaction was protest - "you're supposed to put it on my finger!" he said something like "close-enough".

in the moment, i was annoyed. it was late, i was drunk, and i had to wake up early go to work and then was leaving to go to ny for three days and wouldn't see him till i got back. what kind of a proposal story would this make? that thought actually crossed my mind and was part of what put me instantly in a bad mood. what would other people think about this story? what the hell was wrong with me? how did other people enter into my "engagement story"?

the next day, we rearranged the weekend; went out to dinner alone and then made time to share the news with our families, etc. the funny thing is that i love our long, sloppy story. while i can blame my initial reaction on my intake of wine that evening, the truth is that i still am working through some of the same issues i was working through as a ten year old kid - wondering, "what will everyone else think?"  while it's important to consider others (maybe especially for me) it's a balance, perhaps a lifelong one to achieve. 

arrival

remember the challenge t had given me of writing a 100 character story with the impetus of only a single word? several weeks ago she gave me the word "arrive". we have shared our struggles to live in the present and frequently talk about that theme in our lives . because its her 30th birthday, i thought it would be appropriate to write this one today, for her.

It is difficult to see if you try to look too far back or too far forward. Arrive to where you are.