feelings

i was recently re-telling a story about how i engaged in a verbal altercation with someone on the subway. the language became so aggressive so quickly that despite the fact that i had not been looking to start a fight, i suddenly found myself instigating one.

i was sitting cross legged on the subway when a man hit my foot with a hand cart he wheeled by me. he didn't say excuse me nor did i ask him to excuse himself (something i was tempted to do) instead i made a face (one that said "thanks for hitting my foot"). i was unaware that the man saw the face i made. he responded, "watch your fucking foot"
"excuse me?" i asked
"you heard me. i saw you make that fucking face, and you should watch your fucking foot, you bitch"
now, maybe it's the teacher in me, but sometimes i feel the urge to be the manners police with total strangers. why? dunno - dumb.
"wow, you have zero manners," i said
that made him even more angry; as if, he cared about what i thought about his manners, "i'm going to fucking kick your ass you fucking bitch"
at this point i almost wanted him to make an attempt to hit me so that i could be justified in releasing all of my pent up anything and everything on him
"anything else you wanna say?" i asked
"yeah, i hope you fucking die"
that seemed like a bit much. death? i looked around at the subway expecting to see people ready to jump in and defend me. but everyone on the subway was doing what i should have done from the moment the man opened his angry mouth, "ignore him"
i pretended to continue reading my book but my hands were shaking a little.
i resented the fact that other people could have the power to inspire so much rage within me. i decided that i was not going to play into anymore as i had. instead i continued to pretend to read my book until it was my stop.
as i was exiting the subway i couldn't help but say one last thing.
"have a nice day"
"go fuck yourself!" he screamed back