scattered categories

the past couple of times that i have had an evening alone with my sister (not really alone because she has four kids...so alone doesn't really exist. but they are mostly sleeping at the time) ...we have enjoyed a nice dinner together followed by a few rounds of the game scattergories. i love this game. perhaps because i can test the limits of my b.s.-ing abilities.

last night during our game she said something that at first i found hurtful. it wasn't until giving it a moment to digest that i realized what she was saying and more importantly why she was saying it.

i thought back to the previous time we had played scattergories and she had gotten up from the table to get more chocolate covered almonds. we were talking about something insignificant and as she had her back to me she said (off topic and nonchalantly) "we're going to miss you carmen".

i remember being moved by the comment. my sister rarely talks about her feelings in that way. she is good at showing joy and anger and sympathy (or things in those realms) but feelings of sadness (or things in that more personal realm) are rarely exposed.

fast forward again to last night. as i remembered this earlier comment, the new, potentially hurtful one now had a context. she wasn't trying to hurt my feelings, but she was in fact mad at me. maybe not consciously, but mad nonetheless.

its funny how our feelings can get re-routed in our brains. sometimes an emotion is so uncomfortable that we switch it for another, more familiar, or just easier, one.

even though i'm not going far and i know i will be around a lot, i'm going to miss you too, vio. a lot.