where were you ten years ago today?

i was at a health center at rutgers. i dont remember why. i had felt sick? i needed a form filled out? i just remember sitting in the waiting room and overhearing the secretaries talk about what they had just heard on the radio. "idiots" i thought. they were clearly misquoting; "a plane flew into one of the twin towers"? did they even know where the twin towers were? they were obviously mistaken.  by the time i heard that a second one had hit i was even more convinced that someone, somewhere was confused. it was possible that a plane could accidentally hit a building, but not two planes. then the images on the television in the waiting room confirmed what had been said: the buildings had been hit; but also clarified a misconception - it could not have possibly been an accident.

on my bike ride back to my house just off campus i passed a clinic collecting blood for the hundreds of estimated victims that would need it. months later i got a letter in the mail thanking me for my donation that day.  i remember thinking how odd it was -  there were no victims that needed my blood on 9/11. the most injured victims had all died.

the following day i took the train into new york. the new jersey transit was not collecting fares from anyone - at least not those entering or leaving new york city. when i arrived to penn station i went up to the street level, despite needing to stay underground to get to my mother's house. i was struck by how quiet that part of the city was. struck too, by the smell that reached all the way up to my mother's house at least six miles away from where the towers' remains were still burning.

part of me wished i could live in a tree somewhere and hide. the feeling of not being safe was so foreign to me - and yet, there was no relief like that of being with my family. weeks and months later relief continued through the cheering of pedestrians, as firemen passed by on their way down to the site to help clean up. a city that could at times be so cold, came together in such a lovingful way. im thinking about that city and that time today.