first day back

today was my first day back to work after a two week break

i am trying a new approach this semester of NOT stressing out
i realize that the first couple of months of work were torture in part because i made them so...

just like the students i teach, i tend to leave things for the last minute...making it hard to do my best work.

this also makes me so overwhelmed that i end up with panic attacks. not only do i feel like i don't know what i am doing but i get reeeeeally stressed out about it.

i am one of those people that is most efficient the less time i have to work with, and so i wait until the last possible moment to focus on anything. i have yet to determine how much of this is simply the way that i operate - and i should accept and work with my mode of operation - and how much of it is self-sabotage... and maybe i just have to have more faith in myself and give myself a chance to do well...

it's  monday at 5:01 and i have nooooooooo idea what i will be doing tomorrow, or for the rest of the week in any of my classes, but at least for now i am working with what i have...some ideas, some time, and will  avoid the things that end up paralyzing me like guilt and shame for not having been a better planner.

just trying to keep calm, and the rest will come.