getting nostalgic

i have been thinking a lot about peggy the past couple of months

maybe because i began to play more poker again...

but i think it has a lot to do with the moments that have come up recently that i wish she had seen or been a part of.  wonderful moments made bitter-sweet in her absence

like the news that bt has confirmed purchasing its own space and will be moving within 3 years
or that lena made it to the final table at the poker fund-raiser last week

but i think that selfishly it also has a lot to do with me...


it's hard for me to believe that she knows nothing about my current life - never met erk, wasn't there to celebrate our wedding.

when he and i were first dating, i thought about that a lot. that she had never met him nor he her.
and i wished very much that they had.


my being pregnant now has also brought up a lot of memories. i always imagined the conversations peggy and i would have about my becoming a mother. both the unsolicited and solicited, invaluable advice she would give, the observations she would make, or the questions she would ask.

it has been interesting to see how time has allowed that feeling of loss to develop. from an unbearable and unimaginable heartache, to a much less acute, but still ever-present feeling. it's hard to describe really.
an absence, a sadness, a longing,
an unfulfilled desire to connect;
to laugh, to feel trusted, loved and seen in a way that was indeed unique.