(un)consciousness

i have been having awful dreams about little m. so awful i tell erk just to get them out of my system, but then never think about or mention them again. even when i am awake i worry about all the horrible things that can go wrong. what if i fall down the stairs while holding her?

already i am trying to find an equilibrium between keeping her safe and me sane. i have this unbearable urge to hold her in my arms and never ever let go (although this urge might not be as much about keeping her safe, as it is about finding her so delicious and irresistible.)

slowly we are learning to strike that balance.  she no longer falls asleep in my arms, but rather, lying solo in her crib. she has also begun to sleep in her own room through the night rather than beside our bed (although, my favorite time of day is still when she wakes up at 5am and i bring her to bed with us to feed her and snuggle her back to sleep.)

i am reminded once again of the umbilical cord,  and how many times it must be cut and re-cut through our lives. while little m no longer physically lives inside my body, sometimes i feel as though she does, like the phantom pain of an amputee. despite having become a separate being she still relies on my body for food, and therefore survival, and i suppose in some way that feeling appears to be mutual. but with every amazing development, comes more separation. and just as birth itself is an incredible joy, it is also an unbelievable trauma.

amazing how such a little person can break your heart while simultaneously making it whole for what seems to be the very first time.