with and without you

so, little m and i have been coaching high school soccer every mon-thurs since school has started. it has proven to be a nice way of getting out of the house, enjoying some outdoor time and interacting with other humans (maternity leave can be pretty isolating).

but last week i actually went and played soccer for the first time since spraining my ankle and being three months pregnant. needless to say i played with caution and took it pretty easy. and i survived!  it felt nice to be back (even temporarily) with my old team, but mostly to feel my body move (albeit slower) around a soccer field, to feel that sporty, adrenaline rush again.

it's funny to think back to those early days when going ANYWHERE with m seemed like a challenge. our first outing was short, to a museum, when she was a week old. then our first 2hr car ride solo to the beach when she was almost three weeks old.  it's hard to describe what made it feel so difficult back then. everything was so new and i was so tired and still learning so much that staying at home felt "safer" (mentally) but also felt sometimes like suffocation. it felt so liberating to make the discovery that i could in fact still go to a museum or a beach with m, that i wasn't now stuck at home forever.

more recently the discovery has been about the places i can go without m...
that it is ok to leave her for a couple of hours in the care of someone other than me, so that i can go play soccer, or go to a dance class, or a friend's engagement party or a wedding.  i don't have to feel guilty that i am doing something entirely for myself and not for her...although, as my grandmother-in-law said, "when you take care of yourself, you are taking care of the baby"

and so the balance begins of a life in which i am, at times, the epitome of selflessness (my brain and body are literally working around the clock for someone else) and then also maintaining some of myself for.....myself - time/space/energy to do the things that before (and still now) inspire and engage me.