birth story

toward the end of my pregnancy i became very interested in reading about labor. in particular i enjoyed reading different women's birthing stories.  learning about other people's experiences helped get me ready for my own.

so, i thought i would write little m's birth story both to join that chorus of hippy dippy moms that share these personal moments in an effort to create a community of supportive people, and also to simply capture the experience before time and the malfunctions of memory obscure or alter it.

i think the experience of labor could be compared to running a marathon in many ways. so much of the process is mental despite being so seemingly physical. i remember at about an hour into my birth center experience hearing a mother at the end of her labor pushing her baby out. i could hear her grunts and screams and then finally, a little baby's voice crying;  it was an inspirational soundtrack. that little part of you that thinks "oh, if she can do it, then i can do it"

mile markers are also mental; reminding you how far you have come and therefore urging you on....at one point i asked the midwife, "when is that part that everyone says is so hard...'transition'?" and she responded "oh, you're in it right now". knowing that immediately gave me a mental boost to keep going.

another parallel for me, was how each task seemed conceptually impossible before actually doing it. "my uterus will do what?" "how many miles exactly is a marathon?" but somehow you end up doing what seemed so impossible...and then the only way you conceive of doing it again is by forgetting just enough of your experience, and knowing that because you did it before, you can probably survive doing it again.

but to be honest, there isn't really anything that compares.

little m's birth story:

my due date was july 3rd and i had an appointment that day for a check up. in the weeks prior i had not had any interest in knowing how dilated i was. i had read that ones dilation before labor began was not truly indicative of anything (women could be 3 cm dilated for weeks before going into labor, or not dilated at all a few hours before delivering a baby) but on this day i was curious enough to find out. the midwife warned me that by merely checking, she could instigate some contractions, and i was fine with that.

3cm dilated (not very interesting) and 70% effaced (interesting!) i left the birth center knowing that this process i had been waiting for and reading about had started, and even in the car ride back from the birth center that afternoon, i started having contractions.  all afternoon those contractions were sporadic, sometimes over an hour or two apart, sometimes only 20 minutes apart but they definitely felt different from the braxton hicks contractions i had been feeling for months.

at about 8:30 pm that night erk and i decided to take a walk around the neighborhood. neither one of us brought a phone or watch or any other device to keep track of time, but it seemed to me that the contractions were becoming more regular, lasting for longer periods of time and because we had been out for over an hour, i was convinced that it was possible i had reached the 4-1-1 point our birth class had us trained to remember (when the contractions were 4 minutes apart, lasting 1 minute long and the whole cycle had taken place for 1 hour, indicating it was time to call/go to the birth center)

so i called, and the midwife on duty asked, "is this your first?" as if to say "are you over-anxious and don't you know first timers take forever anyway?" she assured me i had time. suggested that i download an app to keep track of the contractions, that they needed to be really regular and timed and that maybe i was being too active and that i should try and eat something and get some rest. when those contractions were truly four minutes apart, lasting for a minute in a cycle of at least an hour, then i should call her back.

ok, once the app was downloaded i sent erk to bed. i knew i could handle this early stage without him and that i would really need him rested for the harder work ahead. (i also know that when he is tired he is grumpy and when he is grumpy he is, himself, a large baby)

so i ate and i tried sleeping at around 10:30 pm using erk's phone to keep track of my contractions. i only slept for nine to ten minutes at a time because the contractions kept waking me up. at about 1am i was no longer trying to sleep, but trying to keep myself busy (catching up on email correspondence) while managing the now more intense, longer-lasting contractions (i had now established a favorite position to labor in: kneeling over that big red exercise ball i bought in college before i knew it was called a "birthing" ball by pregnant women). a little before 2:30am the contractions were sometimes lasting over a minute even though they were not consistently four minutes apart (sometimes six, sometimes three) but they were getting painful enough that i knew i was ready for help. i first called the birthing center "you want to come in and have us check you? ok, just give us an eta so we can be ready to send a nurse to let you in" i could tell she still wasn't convinced.

then i went to wake erk up.  he wasn't convinced either. "are you sure? already? what time is it?" he asked half asleep; he was also convinced that i was just being over anxious, but as he began to wake up more , he saw the look of certainty on my face. "i'm sure. it's time" and as i said the words i got so overwhelmed that i started to tear up; from excitement, from fear, from anticipation...not knowing that this was the beginning of a week-long roller-coaster ride of emotions.

erk popped out of bed, we grabbed our things and got into the car. the drive to the birth center was easy. there was no traffic, but some of the contractions were so intense i asked erk to stop the car until they had passed. i don't know why exactly, it was like, the world stopped during those contractions, or i was trying to make it stop...im not sure. we arrived just past 3am. a nurse came to open the door for us and i remember saying, "nice pants" before having the longest contraction of my whole labor. they were nice pants.

the midwife on call quickly checked me in the room she had ready for us.  only 4cm dilated - i was a little disappointed, i was sure i was much further along than that, everything was already so intense! she asked if i wanted to try laboring in the jacuzzi tub. i had been looking forward to this feature at the birth center. they say that the water and the jets are like a natural anesthesia. my experience was a little different. my first contraction in the tub was so uncomfortable. where was my exercise/birthing ball?! i didn't like the position of my body in the tub at all, the midwife reminded me that in order to adjust to a new position you should allow your body to have more than one contraction there. but i felt ready to puke. by the third contraction erk was in fact holding a puke pan out for me to puke into, which i did, successfully. before the fourth contraction i was ready to get out of the tub. i didn't care if it would get better, i wanted to be back on the ball.

sometime soon after, my midwife got switched out for another midwife. apparently there were more women having babies that night than anticipated, and so julie had been called in. i had only met julie earlier that day but had been meaning to meet her for months. i had taught her son and knew of her, but hadn't actually met her until a few hours before when she jokingly said "maybe i'll see you later tonight" here we were.

i had become dependent on erk to apply pressure to my lower back through each contraction, (another reason i didn't like the tub; i couldn't get his help the same way) but at a certain point even erk's full weight into my back wasn't enough.  julie suggested the pelvic squeeze we had learned about in class. it was amazing how helpful it was, until it wasn't, and i soon needed even more. for the next contraction both he and julie were doing the pelvic squeeze together; one on each side of my body pushing toward each other.  with each contraction it was as if they were literally making room for the baby to move down. (proof that they were literally moving my bones came days later when my hips felt bruised from all the pushing, but it was worth it at the time)

in all honesty, it's all kind of a blur, but i remember a couple of other key details.
1. at a certain point i said aloud "why do people do this without drugs?! why am i doing this without drugs?!!" (but the truth is, if i did it again, i would do it the same way- no drugs, in part because i now know what to expect)
2. at another point i asked erk to count through my contractions. not down...(i had no idea how long each would last). just up. he thought this was incredibly odd and he seemed embarrassed/hesitant every time i asked him, until once between contractions i angrily insisted, "don't make me ask you every time, just f*$#@g count!" (i was not feeling embarrassed or hesitant) and sort of like making him stop the car on the way to the birth center, i have no idea why this was helpful. it seemed to facilitate my concentration through each contraction.
3. close to the end two interesting things happened. i used a birthing stool through a couple of contractions which led to my water breaking...what a weird sensation! and i was so HOT that erk was putting ice cold cloths on my head and back and somehow it never felt like enough to cool me down. my body had never gotten so hot/worked so hard in it's life...

right before it was time to push i remember asking julie, "how will i know when it's time to push? will you tell me?" and she assured me i would know...i would have no choice but to push, my body would just do it. and she was right.  three intense pushes that i was sure were ripping my body in half and little m was almost out. in fact julie said, "wally (she didn't call him erk...or wally...) there's your baby's head, do you want to feel it? he was fascinated and said "yeah!". then i was asked; "no i don't want to feel it! i want to finish!"

and then came the hardest part (conceptually). they call it the ring of fire, but i didn't experience that exactly (or i don't remember) but when the baby is crowning a common practice to avoid both an episiotomy and/or any tearing is to wait a moment so that you use the baby's head to stretch you sufficiently before those last pushes. right when i was almost done julie said "ok, don't push" and my response was "are you kidding?!!" she had just told me i would have no choice but to push when it was time to push, and my body was telling me to push and my brain was telling me to push (so that it would be over) but she was telling me not to...it was probably only a moment but it felt like an eternity.

finally i got the ok to continue and then came that last push and her head quickly followed by the rest of her body came out.

at 5:34am on thursday july 4th little m was born.

the next part is not my favorite part of the story, but it's one of the most important parts, because it was something i was totally unprepared for.

i had been told that labor was hard (although i didn't know what that meant until i did it) but that after all that hard work, when your baby came out all the pain would disappear and you would become almost magically in love.

i did not have that experience.

i had never been in shock before so it took me some time to realize that that was what had happened. i had done so much reading about the wonders of childbirth that i had failed to recognize it as a trauma. (a beautiful trauma! but a trauma nonetheless) because my labor was so fast, i think it made the experience that much more intense; there was no time to process each thing that was happening as it happened.

for those first 24 hours i was not in love with little m. (i feel comfortable sharing that because i am so bananas in love with her now, but at the time it was terrifying.) "well, i like babies, so i am sure i will like this one" i tried to rationalize with myself. but the truth was that i was devastated to not have that love hormone instantly kick in, that feeling of being a MOM. what made the feeling both more prevalent and more bearable was witnessing how instantly erk fell in love with little m. on the one hand it brought to my attention the lack of feeling i had in contrast, but as i said, i was still in shock and i think it also helped ground me back into reality. it slowly started to sink in...we made a person.... what an unbelievable concept. and every day since i have fallen more madly in love with her.